I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

@L5biszz

4 ай бұрын

how come the room you are sitting in is only made of doors? ;o is this some sort of a psychological trick?

@CloudWithoutASky

18 сағат бұрын

Fear of vulnerability and weakness comes from neuroticism. That's why you can't talk politics to literally anybody. Ever. Anywhere. Without mass chaos ensuing. There's nothing wrong with going very gradual and slow. This is where we are at in society... we have to have a blueprint on paper telling us how to make connections that people could do instinctively 50 years ago. I just stopped fearing what the world and what people think. I took so much judgment as a child in school. At some point I got fed up with it and changed my mentality towards how I've been treated. When you get used to feeling as a reject of a society by a classroom, you begin to realize the haters don't know you any better than you do. The reality is. Just be you. Just live life. Be casual. Stop overthinking it. If people judge you or betray you, it's out of ignorance and fear. If these steps help you, that's great, but never forget this all otherwise.

"whats your favorite food" "oh cool, my dad left when i was 5"

@anusha2465

5 ай бұрын

😂😂😂

@cozykodie49

3 ай бұрын

😭

@ned__schneebly

2 ай бұрын

MEEEE 😭😭😭😭

@dudejoe8390

2 ай бұрын

Yeah there are a lot of people who just jump levels

@memoonaae

2 ай бұрын

nah bro tf is that emoji😭

Why do you have so many doors?

@rattman96

Ай бұрын

She went to the Rick and Morty universe and bought some Real Fake Doors 😂

@MobYou

Ай бұрын

@@rattman96what a random referance😂😂

@BeautyMarkRush

Ай бұрын

Ngl, this is the first thing I've noticed once the video started and I was wondering this myself Plot twist: the doors are actually the walls, and the single wall is the true door.

@Bwoah420

Ай бұрын

Closets lol

@Chironex_Fleckeri

Ай бұрын

Life has many doors, Ed Boy 😁

I can now live life like a stardew valley character. I will only give next level intimate responses after receiving my two weekly gifts.

@kinq4539

Жыл бұрын

have fun with your two weekly catfish willy

@matty_daddy

Жыл бұрын

@@kinq4539 lmao get owned Willy. Dork.

@Perrypool09

Жыл бұрын

THIS- I literally created my own Support Point system for this exact reason, from 0 ❤️ to 14 ❤️ like in Stardew Valley. Now from this video I plan to revise and update my Support Point System.

@McDudes

Жыл бұрын

I was thinking about it in RPG terms. Like let me open my Stat tables and relationship sharts to evaluate my next move. 😂

@KarmaCifer

Жыл бұрын

I also think of social relationships with the Stardew Valley system xD But with milestones, I do certain activities like staying to sleep only with some people, and then sharing a same bed is like the 10 heart event, telling them certain secrets or traumas of mine is like a 6 heart event and so on

as a skinwalker, this video really helped me get closer to my victims. ty

@01wishiata76

Ай бұрын

kinda genius ngl

@user-yh1nm1vy3i

Ай бұрын

What’s a skinwalker? I hear about it a lot and don’t get it.

@eggsandbacon1573

Ай бұрын

​@@user-yh1nm1vy3iI had the same question and did some research. As far I understand, it's a shapeshifter from the Native American legends. It's a monster that is essentially hunger incarnate (and eats humans). Since it's a shapeshifter, it tricks people into being alone and coming to it.

@bostarl8002

Ай бұрын

@@eggsandbacon1573sounds like something a skinwalker would know

@starpeep5769

13 күн бұрын

that's awesome!

Homie brought out the rubric to grade my situationship 💀💀

@addeche7790

3 ай бұрын

💀💀💀

@Ninjiin23

Ай бұрын

💀💀💀

@user-bx6te8kz9p

5 күн бұрын

Fr

@mikethaison432

4 күн бұрын

If you’re in a situationship, it’s your fault.

@whatsnew955

4 күн бұрын

@@mikethaison432also truthhhh that people dont wanna hear

This is actually interesting to think about from the opposite perspective. As in, how do you respond when people are sharing things with you. As someone that has always hated small talk because I thought of it as fake or as only a way to fill the silence, this idea provides a different perspective. One where small talk serves as a way to bridge that gap of vulnerability. I wonder how many potential friends I've turned off because I didn't reciprocate in the early stages of this spectrum.

@JJ-zb7id

Жыл бұрын

I know I have definitely thrown many potential friendships out the window by not being reciprocative. It sucks because a lot of them I actually really liked.

@rowan404

Жыл бұрын

Same here. Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled making friends past the playing era. Typically, if someone tries to small-talk with me, I say, “Just get to the point.”

@patrickbanzon7145

Жыл бұрын

That is really smart

@tomasvallejos1609

Жыл бұрын

Ahh, I thought exactly the same when watching the video

@slouch186

Жыл бұрын

small talk is often a way to find some common ground or a mutual point of interest for a more "significant" conversation. it's not like other people just really love small talk. they just want a safe way to initiate conversation.

I think the biggest mistake is to completely avoid the risk. If you feel lonely and dont have many friends, maybe its because in order to completely avoid the risk of rejection, you are pushing other people away from you. As soon as you get that nothing is without risk and being rejected is just normal part of everyones life, you will feel better. That, you can trust me. Stay strong.

@ghostgetti4310

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for these words. Keeping this in mind for the present and future.

@NFS-shade

Жыл бұрын

Thank you. It's deep

@itsjammbi6

Жыл бұрын

how do you start accepting that risk because I’m 21 in college with 0 friends in my entire life

@ericeychis

Жыл бұрын

@@itsjammbi6 I think you just have to know your worth by keeping in mind how you’re feeling and what your goals are. Think about your intentions for the day and work on positive thinking about your strengths and have grace for your weaknesses. Stay present with things and in tune with your emotions and qualities surrounding others and accept that their response or what people might think of you is not in your control and you should just focus on yourself and again, your strengths (showing up for things you care about and expressing what you need to) also, address what your fears are and just recognize and be aware of them and work through them using some of the things I mentioned. I know this reply is a mess but I don’t wanna see no one reply to you because I’m 20 in college and overthink about friendships and relationships.

@albertoaguilar9773

Жыл бұрын

This used to be me not long ago, I'm doing great efforts in changing my mindset (which is hard af, especially when you've been like that for years) I'm slowly making progress but with some consistent results. Now I feel more secure about myself and engage more in new relationships.

This is a good way to calibrate your social skills so you don’t share private info to the wrong people.

@ZanexHigh-dl8pr

6 ай бұрын

blackpiller spotted

@L5biszz

4 ай бұрын

yeah

@keremakincixd

Ай бұрын

i do that all the time

@whatsnew955

4 күн бұрын

hell yeah this vid is very useful thanks ana for making it!!!

Ahhh yes, as opposed to ADHDDBT where you just start with an 8 and then apologize repeatedly whether or not they took it well...then try that five or six more times during a conversation.

@katfujioka212

Жыл бұрын

Ugh I know the feeling, it's all good being open until you accidentally let slip something *super* personal to a stranger ;_;

@peternolan4107

Жыл бұрын

Please define ADHDDBT.

@theaconite1400

Жыл бұрын

@@peternolan4107 attention deficit hyperactive disorder. And then I'm not familiar with the rest of the acronym.

@egg5474

Жыл бұрын

@@peternolan4107 and dialectical behavioural therapy

@Fernandez218

Жыл бұрын

@@katfujioka212 "Ugh I know the feeling, it's all good being open until you accidentally let slip something super personal to a stranger ;_;" how do they know you're not lying or exaggerating? It appears to me many people project themselves onto the world instead of realizing that many people experience completely independent realities. It reminds me of the closet homosexual thinking that everyone knows he's gay from small gestures. When in reality these small gestures could be completely unabsorbed by observants or interpreted to be other meaning from the observers own personal reality.

I travelled a lot this summer and what i found super interesting is when i met people in hostels , the friends went way quicker in 7/8 (like after a few days) than in "real" life. And then when you get to see them again it goes back to 5/6 but it takes longer to go back to 7/8 I guess when you are both put in the same vulnerable situation it's way easier to make deep bond but they'll be more short lived

@Shannon_Robbie

Жыл бұрын

I noticed this as well when I was staying in hostels in my twenties. I remember one time a whole group of us went out to the pub for drinks and had a blast. That also happened when I was younger and living in college residence. I chalked it up to being young but it could also be a sense of togetherness we felt.

@thorodinson6649

Жыл бұрын

Yeahhh

@SariusxX

Жыл бұрын

I noticed that while traveling by train or airplane I frequently get into quite meaningful conversations with strangers quite fast, and I also thought it might be something about this shared vulnerability of being outside of your comfort zone!

@easterchou4339

7 ай бұрын

That's exactly what I'm going through now

@360.Tapestry

5 ай бұрын

it was just a feeling fling. you don't expect to keep each other in your lives, so you use and dispose as you see fit for the moment.... if you really did expect to see them again, you'd probably both go a lot slower and more carefully, as they could be a permanent acquaintance with long-term consequences for the choices you both make... so emotionally promiscuous lol

"I feel positive feelings towards you," is so valid for people who struggle to verbally express affection.

@manphan6689

4 күн бұрын

real

To add to this, just because you want to increase in levels of intimacy with someone but they don't reciprocate doesn't mean that they are shallow, untrustworthy, incapable of intimacy, or otherwise defective. Nor does it mean that you are unworthy or defective.

Commenting because I wish that I was taught this as a child and that this was a widely known thing. I’ve always struggled with making friends and maintaining them, always either oversharing or undersharing to purposefully drive others away and protect myself. Eventually I found a group of weirdos that I love, most of which I consider 10s, and I let them know as often as I can. Hoping this video can save someone else the years of loneliness so many endure ❤❤❤

@xllab1

Жыл бұрын

I thought I was the only one with that problem 🥲

@iantrolington6594

Жыл бұрын

Could always be worse. I'm in my 30s with no family and never had a friend in my life.

@MattiasFlodin

Жыл бұрын

@@xllab1 I thought everybody knew this

@JJ-zb7id

Жыл бұрын

@@iantrolington6594 I hope this video helps you ❤

@iantrolington6594

Жыл бұрын

@@JJ-zb7id I wish watching videos fixed the wiring of a brain lol.

I absolutely loved this. As someone who's a very logical thinker and likes frameworks and progression steps, seeing something I've thought about a lot be so beautifully displayed and summarized in terms of levels, with an actual type of therapy backing it up, was very cool to see. Can't wait to implement this.

@UncleMerlin

Жыл бұрын

this feels like the ramblings of a psychopath lol

@janus1331

Жыл бұрын

@@UncleMerlin The whole video is a masterplan for tactical human interaction, with the goal of sneaking deep(er) into your victim's mind - quite diabolic.

@zephnik9696

Жыл бұрын

im dr6nk, ur cute amigaa! idk wtf ur talking about but you're a nice erson amiga

@TathD

Жыл бұрын

@@UncleMerlin It absolutely does.

@adrianflo6481

Жыл бұрын

This is terrible for anyone whos autistic/engineer type of personality. Youll come off as calculating and manipulative instead. you cant control the dopamine response in someonelses brain so stop trying to. All this is good for is to not leap into a stranger with random facts about your mom. Being honest and confident is really the only thing that matters. If she likes you it doesnt matter what you say, shell reciprocate. Otherwise take the L and move on to the next one. Also dont forgot to close at some point by asking for a date or similar.

I start w a level 10 with all my bosses on my first day on the job. Thanks 🙏

@ciara7172

8 ай бұрын

Lmao

@eyywannn8601

5 күн бұрын

Indescribably based

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!!! As an autistic person I have struggled so much in life because I don't know how to do connect with others/form friendships and one of the reasons I didn't know what to do was because I was unable to feel when it was appropriate to "level it up" - I would either overshare or (more often) be excessively private. I didn't know how to do it. This technique is going to be amazing, thank you so much!!! I feel excited about the future! Maybe I will be able to change my life! Sending lots of hugs and joy your way!

@inferno3080

5 ай бұрын

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@colbyboucher6391

9 күн бұрын

Same.

I’m horrible at socializing, but, for almost 2 years now, I’ve been building up a close friendship with someone for the first time since middle school. It was almost magical how, as time went on, we went from solely discussing a commission I ordered from him to talking about our personal lives and being vulnerable with each other. I also found it so fascinating how our conversations would usually start out a level 2 or so and then go up and down throughout the conversation, sometimes even going up to level 9. Unfortunately, though, he recently confided in me, but I didn’t realize that what he told me was supposed to be kept between us, so I told 2 other people, and now, I broke his trust and he’s upset with me. I don’t want to lose this friendship. I worked so hard on it. Update: I overreacted. Everything’s fine between us. 😅

@autorka1001

Жыл бұрын

I wish you the best of luck in mending your relationship. I’m sure it’s very important to him as well, y’all can work this out ❤

@rowan404

Жыл бұрын

@@autorka1001 Thanks! We did!

@skaio.5279

Жыл бұрын

@@rowan404 how is it going now lmao

@rowan404

Жыл бұрын

@@skaio.5279 We haven’t talked much lately. He’s been very busy.

@selosa1773

Жыл бұрын

im glad things are fine between u two. pls continue to maintain a friendship like that, it seems genuine. wish u the best of all luck!

This system kind of reminds me of progressive overload in the gym. It's like your relationship with someone is a muscle or a movement pattern you're trying to make stronger. Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about.

@iansilva7422

Жыл бұрын

Exaclty!

@AM-dp9tv

7 ай бұрын

Really good point..as a gym rat myself I can see the correlation. I guess things worth having do take time 😅

@troglodyte1052

5 ай бұрын

Well said. The gymcels really are gonna make it lol

@lestath2345

5 ай бұрын

Lol it makes so much sense now

@fedor4655

5 ай бұрын

Bruh progressive overload has gotten me so far in life. I apply it to everything

The thought of being voluntarily "vulnerable" to other humans blows me away.

Since my last relationship I've felt like I can't be open and vulnerable with anybody anymore since it leaves me so open to pain and rejection. But keeping up walls sucks! This showed me that there's a better way, something more sophisticated than a black and white approach to vulnerability. Thank you.

I’m at a 9 with the person I am interested in and it is reciprocated. So rare for me. He admitted he doesn’t have to put on a facade and feels comfortable and natural with me. That’s all I want

@JIA202

Жыл бұрын

love that for you

@mun3698

Жыл бұрын

Same 😩 It’s weird af but I love it. Good luck with him!

@damjanp7920

Жыл бұрын

that's a nice feeling, isn't it? Best of luck to you both!

@izzy8655

Жыл бұрын

that's awesome very happy for u!

@Octoberstorm333

Жыл бұрын

@@felipelunap I finally did a couple of days ago yayyy !

It's very interesting. I've just noticed that I always start at levels 4-5 because I hate small talk and am pretty straightforward. I guess it scares off a lot of people! But sometimes, it results in sharing some personal stories with people you barely know, where you can support each other and connect on a basic human level. Sometimes it's easier to be open to strangers than to relatives.

@mika274

Жыл бұрын

Talking to people on omegle amplifies what you have described here

@damjanp7920

Жыл бұрын

sounds like a good strategy. You vibe better with straightforward people like yourself and filter out the others who have a more "small-talky" approach which you like less

@Eddison33

Жыл бұрын

@@mika274 I have tried Omegle several years ago, but it was a complete failure - either perverts/drunkards/prankers or people with very poor English. Is it good now?

@mika274

Жыл бұрын

@@Eddison33 it depends. All those people still exist. There are too many people below 18 though which is why I only used it for 2 days. But sometimes you can get a good conversation. You should have low expectations though 😂.

@Shannon_Robbie

Жыл бұрын

Right! Unfortunately there are times when you overshare and later realize that person isn't the supportive "friend" you had made them out to be in your mind. That's why I now work hard at not oversharing when I'm initially getting to know someone.

We need more voices like this in an online space where the incel pipeline is taking so many teenage boys. I love how this technique and how you present it work to maintain the humanity of the person you're trying to gain intimacy with. I think that's really lacking in the broad space of internet relationship advice.

@saxoul17

4 ай бұрын

I can't take you seriously with that pfp of a femboy and a strange flag probably cringe in the background.

@MontycelA

4 ай бұрын

I know YOU aren’t talking with that pfp

@Flow-Fi-

4 ай бұрын

@@MontycelA ????

@armani.5055

3 ай бұрын

@@MontycelAu just proved their point i fear

@innaweeds

3 ай бұрын

​@@MontycelAand the name "AddyTheEnby"---these types of people are just left-leaning incels

As an autistic person I understand and will use the chart to improve my relationships with allistic people so thanks for this. But Id rather start at level 9, work around 3-8 until I open up to level 1-2, then hit level 10. In my mind, as soon as I meet someone I know if I want to spend more time with them and I want them to know Im invested in them. Then as I learn about their intimate emotions and experiences, I become aware of what "small talk" type things would interest them. For instance I would want to know if they actually care about food and what they like to eat before asking if they like their meal because I love food and I will feel strained if they do not match my energy. Or maybe if theyre into interior design and I want to explore their aesthetic preferences then I will say "I like this room what do you think", otherwise why would I bring up the color or anything else about it.

@adrianflo6481

Жыл бұрын

Being autistic as well i can only say that calculating a relationship is a shit advice lol. Just trust your instincts. 99.999% of your body is autonomous and subconscious. You dont control your hormones, dopamine response, gut bacteria or vagus nerve so we shouldnt act as if we are able to. Its important to understand mechanics but we should never rely on it.

@vriis

Жыл бұрын

Changing the model is like the exact opposite you should do lol. Trust the process, most people don't operate as you'd like it to and that's where the problem lies

@adrianflo6481

Жыл бұрын

@@vriis What process? dont use a model for interacting with other humans lol. Your brain has developed over millions of years to handle it. understand mechanism and let your intuition do what is has done for the last thousands of years.

@abathtub1411

Жыл бұрын

@@adrianflo6481 idk i personally have a really hard time getting past acquaintance, so having a little help to navigate intimacy at a pace that wont freak out the other person is very helpful to me. I dont need to be told what to do, but how to get there. I agree that intuitive (or as i think of it; whether or not you have chemistry) is very important, but sometimes my inutition is a bit lacking, so when its not helpful having some guidance is.

@WerewolfofEpicness

Жыл бұрын

@@adrianflo6481 I think learning neurotypical methods can help open us up to people and experiences we wouldnt have wanted to miss out on, doesnt mean we should try to force it 100% of the time

Thanks for this Ana! I always have a hard time connecting to people and be vulnerable with them. My relationships to other people are always between levels 3-4 and 5-6 even to my friends of seven years. Its really hard for me to cultivate meaningful relationships. The very few people I was able to be vulnerable with have become my partners or romatic interest which ended up failing. And I realized that I just wanted to have a friend I can be vulnerable with, like a real friend, but being a highly introverted and independent person it's challenging for me to be that open to someone and establish a deep connection with them. Sometimes its easier for me to confide my problems and feelings to strangers :(

@AnaPsychology

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing! :)

@justzachary96

Жыл бұрын

I relate to that a lot

@danycracks4490

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same, I'm friends with this girl for 6 years but she still feels like a stranger sometimes. I also wonder if we're too different and just staying together for convenience

@davecullins1606

Жыл бұрын

Now it has become my goal to be more vulnerable to my friends, because I also prefer to only be fully or near-fully honest and open to strangers, and I think that's a problem that we share.

@danielhertzmaybe

Жыл бұрын

I sometimes feel like this, but coming from an opposite direction. I'm quite of an open book but at the same time very sensitive, so I rush things quickly and sometimes others are not ready or expecting me to say I have feelings for them. Most of the time though, when I've been given the chance to remain friends I choose that and then we do remain friends, but sometimes it's hard for me to avoid certain thoughts and feelings, mostly when they are not physically present. Since it's also very hard for me to take a no for an answer (in many aspects not just affection), acceptance of the fact that others do not want to go beyond a certain threshold of intimacy with me is difficult, even though I am aware that just like me, other people have a free will and I'm nobody to tell them not to exercise it. Having written this down, it seems more obvious than it might be sometimes when our judgement is clouded by many other emotions, especially when they are particularly intense. In the beginning, this led me to closing up, just like you, but thankfully I've managed to put the lessons I've learned into effect. I really hope you can soon get to share a 10 with someone who will share it back to you :)

I wish I didn't have to learn this info the hard way lmao

I relate very strongly with the struggle of black and white thinking. My tendency is to doubt my family's sincerity because I've never felt they feel an emotional connection toward me. I also suffer from magical thinking, for instance, placing strangers at level ten based on their art and creativity typically, sometimes just appearance. I think these tendencies don't affect my life very directly because of how solitary of a person I am. Thank you for making such a logical breakdown of this.

@AM-dp9tv

7 ай бұрын

Wow i thought I was just a weirdo, but I do the same magical thinking. Most often with people with similar interests or with lives I admire/am interested in/or would like to live..very interesting you seem to struggle with the same thing. I am also a solitary person if that makes a difference. Thanks for sharing 😅

Hi Anna, I've been watching your channel on and off for about a year or so, and I must say; This is one of the best channels I've ever encountered on KZread. You make so much information that the majority of people (like me) would miss much more accessible. It's also clear that you understand your demographic really well. I really admire the work you do, in all honesty! I hope to see you continue to thrive on this platform for years to come!

This is so helpful! It also explains why I tend to have more successful friendships than romantic relationships. I never really get past a level 3-4 romantically, but all of my true friendships get at least to a nine or ten mutually. Really eye-opening

@peternolan4107

Жыл бұрын

I also find it much easier to have friends (some for many years}, but the romantic thing is a challenge because I blurt out what I feel way before we get to the right stage!

@dooza

Жыл бұрын

This is very interesting because I feel the opposite. I can’t fathom being in a romantic relationship that isn’t deeper than any of my friends (even though I also have deep relationships with friends a few friends as well).

@g.t.3186

Жыл бұрын

I'm the opppsite lol, the only times feel close enough to someone to share whatever is when we're romantically envolved. Whenever I try to open up to my friends, I immediatly regret it, it's like all the trust I had before speaking just fades away for no real, tangible reason. That never happens with a partner, only after breaking up.

@jaylin4356

Жыл бұрын

Like the other two that have responded, I am the opposite. It’s harder for me to reach that kind of level with friends and I admittedly keep them at a distance with most things. I feel as though I can only open up so much to them. I can say that my romantic partners have gotten to know all of me, even the parts I hate lol. I never do regret opening up to them, though. I guess it’s because my brain sees romantic relationships as a space where it’s expected of me to show my entire being (plus they’ve actually seen my naked body lol). Also because it’s highly frowned upon to share intimate details about your partner with others, whereas if a friend were to do so it would be… expected? Unsurprising? I can’t find the right word. Basically, it’s not seen as entirely shocking to most people if a friend gossiped about you…At least from what I’ve noticed.

@fredericotacio3473

Жыл бұрын

we are the same! I've been always lucky with friendships but not so much with romantic relationships.

Thank you. This helps me realize that intensity isn’t always the best (which is usually how I go about it).

@izzy8655

Жыл бұрын

this

i definitely used to have gaps in my scale and overshare a lot as soon as i felt almost any level of comfort w people. but now after becoming more secure in myself and being alone (wanting less validation and life advice from everyone lol), i definitely follow these steps and move more throughout the scale. sometimes i move faster depending on the level of reciprocation, but this made me feel good bc i definitely have different people in all these levels and multiple people at level 10. just makes me proud of myself for being vulnerable and taking that chance. BUT ALSO learning how to take smaller risk “jumps” in the level and learning to pace myself when sharing things. just good growth. i love this vid!

thank you so much for posting this. It's actually the first time I see your channel, but your concise way of presenting it and how natural/simple you make this all feel is really nice, I subbed instantly speaking for myself, I've always had difficulty reading other people's intentions and knowing the boundaries of conversation, and I've always imagined this kind of everyday flowchart going like "I say X or act in X way, if it is fitting I do Y, if it's not I do Z" and so on, from facial expression to voice tone to topics of discussion, but it's always been very messy and approximative. actually seeing a simple scale like this to judge a relationship feels refreshing, I genuinely liked it. and now I'll definitely check more of your videos, thank you, really!

Super intuitive and shocking to me how I have largely ignored this advice in most of my relationships; I have come off as intense in the past because I have skipped to level 7 and 8 within hours of meeting people.. I grew up in a very forward and transparent family where we didn't keep secrets from one another and learned to communicate vulnerably and transparently. I like the idea of progressive disclosure and matching reciprocity; instead of skipping ahead 3 levels in a conversation, calibrate to reciprocity and maybe even calibrate down a few levels. It may even help me to enjoy the art of conversation. I have bookmarked this video. Thank you.

@randommaddlhat7358

Жыл бұрын

Did your open-mindedness harm your social approaches in general? I come from a family where I wasn't taught any social skills. My parents were rather old when I was born, I have no siblings and grew up in an isolated countryside. They didn't insist on me making many friends as a kid or made me go to social events, joining clubs etc. Especially my father thought that it would come naturally - somehow - and my mother taught me to back up on emotions and honesty. I developed a very damaging prudity about being to straight forward and revealing shamefull or vulnerable feelings. This video therefore made me understand why I feel uncertain about my social environment, it's because I lack the ability to cross the boarder between level 6 to level 7-acquaintances. So many of my relationships stay superficial, impermanent and unfulfilled. I'm interested in the social opportunities you had while living the complete opposite way of life.

@nivrin001

Жыл бұрын

@@randommaddlhat7358 I also had an open household and its sadly led to people abusing the trust, like I go to a high level quickly but people don't regard that as special and then either share it or tease me for whatever I have been open about. Its a double edged sword, because I have quite a few 10s, or enough to feel blessed, but I have been hurt by many people who if I had known about this I would have had the sense to keep very low on the scale. Its interesting to note that the people who have hurt me like this are often very suspicious and not open, almost like they are wary of their own behaviour? Its reached the point where I flat out don't trust cagey people

@dollguts9801

Ай бұрын

I think you’re possibly neurodivergent, or it’s because how you were raised

this is so helpful. I feel like most of my friendships are stuck between a 6 and 7, where we admit we want to spend time with each other and hang out one on one. I tend to overshare to acquaintances (sadly, not to the point of true friendship) and undershare to my “10’s” (boyfriend, parents, best friends), probably because I’m avoidant and afraid of being hurt by people who’s opinions I care about.

@ratziboi2266

Жыл бұрын

hello carbon copy of me who further proves none of us have original lives

@12thjuly63

Жыл бұрын

@@ratziboi2266 we need to meet

@justanotherupscaspirant8837

Жыл бұрын

We'll have a meet-cute, share all feelings, including where we hide bodies, and then avoid each other for eternity. Count me in!

@suqmaddiqq

Жыл бұрын

@𝙰𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚖𝚒 It's about intimacy, like how much you're revealing about yourself to different people

@xotleti

Жыл бұрын

Me too. I'm so stressed in my everyday life that sometimes I escalate from zero to ten very quickly... That means almost every coworker has seem me in an emotional crisis, even when I had no intention to overshare lol

I feel like I knew this concept implicitly but never was able to put it into words. I'm really happy that you did 👍

Imagine a world where people go through a written process to interact with others

This is why I'm considering taking psychology in college. This information is unreal levels of useful to me. Having an actual system to follow makes this so much easier because I always end up stuck at 5-6 or accidentally make it a 10 and get immediately rejected. Thanks so much :)

@adxo

Жыл бұрын

programmer of course. i feel the same way as you.

@AmazingRebel23

Жыл бұрын

Not gonna lie i did that and it was a waste of time. Just watch videos of it intermittently for the next year and you’ll be just as educated without having to pay to do homework.

@ThatGuy-zw4le

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, this kinda stuff would really help me in my early days. I would usually start speaking to new people with level 5-6 and i guess they were kinda weirded out.

@fahrenheit2101

Жыл бұрын

That username made me laugh and I hate it.

@cherryred194

Жыл бұрын

​@@AmazingRebel23 Do you have any recommendations on some helpful videos?

I'm not spared from homework even during the holidays noo. Nonetheless, it's so interesting to see different levels of intimacy mapped out in such detail

@AnaPsychology

Жыл бұрын

hahaha am I the only one that finds self-improvement homework fun?

@LianaAkobian

Жыл бұрын

@@AnaPsychology definitely not! :)

@melinaalvarez398

Жыл бұрын

i’m watching this for fun 😅

Hey Ana, I’m a DBT therapist here in Brazil and I didn’t know this technique; thank you so much for sharing it! It will greatly help in some of my current cases

this is super well structured and your examples and elaborations are just the right amount of additional concrete information needed to expand upon the graph to make it easy to grasp. Very informative, thank you! I'll be using this to gauge my relationships from now on, and it will help me build more comfortable connections with people in a healthy way where both I and they feel at ease. Keep up the good work

I've had people abuse reciprocation. They would give seemingly intimate insights into their life, beliefs, or past. I would reciprocate in turn, and divulge personal fears and insecurities. I realized too late, that the insights they gave me were far less important to them then they made them seem. Either everyone already knew, they were lies, or they were something I couldn't bring up without looking like a villain. People can use this kind of give and take, to lure you into a false sense of security. They will take you for an emotional roller-coaster, and then throw you away when you've finally broken. I look back and wonder if anything about it was genuine. I've always struggled with not knowing if someone genuinely likes me, or if they are only trying to placate me. I don't really care for level 1-2, and don't really engage with people unless I find it meaningful. I like to be honest and genuine, which leads to me oversharing and going on rants. I've actually been commenting alot more lately, and divulging more to strangers then I ever would to a person I know. The internet is weird huh?

@haleybeldin9247

Жыл бұрын

I think this is why this video made me feel really anxious

@amigodavizinhanca7562

Жыл бұрын

Omg maybe you are a little traumatized

@normanclatcher

Жыл бұрын

I see you. You're valid.

@Snoop_Dugg

Жыл бұрын

The internet? Yeah if you can’t see their face it’s harder to know if someone is genuine

@normanclatcher

Жыл бұрын

@@Snoop_Dugg 👁️👄👁️

Im tired of trying to move my friendhips to level 7-8. I always feel like they keep things from me to not open up because i simple am not important to them to share their personal life or with. I have had many friendships in which i openly share my opinions values and sometimes personal matters but dont get the same in return. Im tired of being the one having to ask the quetions to converse. I question why they seek me out in the first place when their reponses are so short and whatever attitude. Its exhausting. Its not like they dump their emotional problems on me so im not an emotional punching bag. Maybe all they care about is having a good time hanging out but nothing else. Majority of the friendhips are superficial, its difficult getting people to want to be genuine friends.

@hosieposie6081

Жыл бұрын

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I've too had some pretty superficial friendships, where I've invested most of my energy and tried to keep conversations interesting but some people did not reciprocate that at all. I think it's just a sign to take a step back, and analyse/observe how the other person approaches you, if they seem to put in an effort to maintain the friendship, you can even bring it up in a conversation that you'd appreciate if they reached out more frequently. See how they respond, and if it seems like they're uninterested, then you can decide to distance yourself or even cut off, coz why do the heavy lifting for other people? You can decide for yourself depending upon your well being, i wish you all the best

@StevenRossRichestManAlive

Жыл бұрын

Hmm... very understandable For me, life is extremely painful, so I usually just want to find an escape (like movies and anime and stuff) Which is why for my friendships, I tend to not talk about anything negative as I don't want to make my life even more negative It used to be painful and very tiring, trying to keep the facade, but throughout the years, my mind has changed in perspective. It's now quite fun for me to keep the facade It's like talking to co workers about mundane things like the weather It fills me with satisfaction when I execute the BS of talking about absolutely nothing excellently As for wanting personal relationships, I have also changed my mind about that. Nothing makes me happier than watching hot anime girls do their thing, so I'm fine nestling in my degen cave, far from real life ppl You may find me reprehensible, and that's understandable and I accept that As long as I have anime girls on my side, I will live on

@weewoo6056

Жыл бұрын

You go to a different herd

@ZeppelinHildagarde

Жыл бұрын

I also want something “genuine”

@hosieposie6081

Жыл бұрын

Well hey, you know what? Let's connect over a social platform if yall would like to, maybe we can chat up and get to know each other, form some healthy bonds, get to share our interests, etc.

I love how straight to the point this is, and how helpful.

Ah, KZread just slapped this across my face tonight (new year's morning), and it is a topic that I've had in-mind for months now in a very serious way. Thank you for making this, so it could transit fall into my lap!

Watching I just realised this is something I’ve been doing since I was like 7yo. I moved around a lot in my childhood and that meant making friends over and over again. When I turned like 13 I started calling it in my head “the ladder” I feel like in my adult life I don’t do this as much anymore since I’ve stayed in one place since I haven’t moved for quite some time and I found a friend that I genuinely am close with but yeah…it’s always in the back of my mind and when I feel iffy I usually take a step back until it feels okay again to start climbing up in closeness. Edit: one thing I will add tho when I was younger I was much better at taking it step by step. But since I’ve grown up I find it very difficult and tend to overshare. It’s actually something I’m working on.

@honaleri

5 ай бұрын

Most people learn this at 7. The people who don't know this are largely people with mental, emotional, or neurological disabilities. That's why it's taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and not just...in school. It's very common knowledge, made obvious for people who didn't see it all along for a verity of valid reason.

@MickySarge

5 ай бұрын

@@honaleri Thank you! This struck me as so incredibly basic and obvious. I was confused why there is even a video about this, but I guess it's something worth talking about.

I don't know if it's just me. But I really enjoy spending time with people who skip most of the steps and directly jump into level 5/6 because I think that's a good indicator they are trust worthy for me to me vulnerable and match them on that level. This is specially true with people you meet online. For example one of my best friends told me her whole very personal life story 2 weeks after knowing each other which made me a lot more comfortable to tell her about my own.

Hello, just found your videos. Holy moley you are one of the best communicators/speakers I've ever listened to.

Thank you very much, Dr. Ana! I've been searching for such a framework for a long time! FINALLY! For religious and cultural reasons, I suffered discrimination throughout my entire life. Due to the constant malice from people around me, over the years, I gradually adopted an "anti-social mentality". Basically, I perceive everyone as "a potential threat to my personal safety". As a result, I absolutely do not know how to socialize in a genuine manner. I don't even know where to begin! But now, thanks to you, I will at least have a rough idea on what to do, if one day, I'm lucky enough to meet someone who doesn't hate me.

I didn't know this is a thing. I always felt off, not being able to make friends or connect with people and didn't know why. I just thought there is something wrong with me, but now it has a name and definition so I can work on it. Thank you 🙏

Thank you for making this video. I'm a licensed therapist, and I have long recognized the need to convey this concept of successive stages of intimacy to my clients. However, it's often very hard to turn this abstract principle into concrete, usable examples that my client can understand. But now, I can share this video with my clients in order to give them a basic primer on the topic, and then we'll be free to focus our sessions on developing a greater intuitive grasp of this spectrum! So thank you for making this video. I'm very excited to see what it will be able to do for my clients.

New school and throughout the video I noticed every stage in a friendship I had with a person with deep fear intimacy. It was honestly really hard to know that person and it took a short time compared to how long this could've happened (a year and a half). Found out I'm really great at building intimacy at that time but things get messy because I have a disorganized attachment style. That friend ran away (as predicted) but it was really good for both of us at the end. great video, this really does work but I would like to add that: you need to be very observant about the other person's persona. Some people will be highly bored or annoyed at small talk, wanting for more information already ("what do you think about this teacher?") Right off the bat. (Specially as it's hard to keep a conversation going with extremely inpersonal topics). Others will like to keep it at a longer distance and inpersonal for fear, meanwhile others will just enjoy small talk. Don't fix your mind into the actions of these levels, it's good to have them as a basis, but more important on how to manage the conversation.

Thank you Ana ❤ I really appreciate your work here and it is exactly what I need in this point of my life 🙏🏼

really glad this popped up in my recommended. i've always struggled with feeling like i cared more about my friends than they cared about me, and i think a lot of that pain could've been avoided if i had know what to look for to see if they were even interested in being as invested as i was. and it doesn't help that i have the tendency to be a pretty open book with new people i even feel decently comfortable with, so like i know at an old job where there was a lot of time to kill chatting with my coworkers, i would quickly escalate to things in levels 5-6 when i had barely even known them and then in retrospect mentally kick myself bc they were clearly not matching the level of intimacy i was. i'm definitely going to keep this resource handy, study it, and really try to keep it in the forefront of my brain from now on, especially meeting new people and building new friendships. thank you immensely!!

@jennie22.02

Жыл бұрын

oof, i feel this!

As an autistic people, this video and chart is a holy graal. Thanks so much !

@placeholdernameisplacehold7671

Жыл бұрын

RODBT seems to be made directly with autistic people in mind

Watched this yesterday and was so hyped because it made sense to me and my socially awkward ass so I match+1'd all day with my coworkers and it was so fun I love this it's so helpful thank you

wow dude you are so kind. i was scrolling down the youtube with boredom and i saw your video so i don't know about your channel but i think you are a good person and a good doctor. happiness health and success upon you. 🤲

This is such valuable information! I tend to overshare too much (I think that's common for people with BPD, such as myself), and this is a great exercise to acknowledge that, and be aware of it so I can be more prudent about it, I find this so helpful, thank you so much for sharing, I love your videos, they help me a lot. 🥰🥰

i love this video because it really sounds like it's not just a technique you can use, but rather the way you should always approach getting to know people

wow. thank you. it made me really think an contemplate who in my life is someone who will be sticking around and those who i want tk stick around with! this is a phenomenal video, and i will be sharing it to a lot of people. thanks a lot

Thank you THANK YOU for this 😭😭 I think this is what I’ve been looking for for the past 2 years but I’ve never actually realised it… until now. Truly a life saviour 🙏

This is a great breakdown, not just in terms of boundaries but as an autistic person this is super helpful for better understanding this aspect of relationships

Thank you Ana. This is so timely for me :( I’ve been wondering if I struggle with being too vulnerable and I’m glad I found this video. Usually people are in Stage 10 with me, and I find making new friends a little harder

this is honestly really helpful for someone who sometimes just doesn’t get or understand social cues

I mapped it out and realized that I'm frequently on levels 7-8 as well as 9, but you were spot on with people decreasing from 7-8, which is why I have most of mine be on 5-6. I still have trouble with small talk, so I tend to not hover around 1-4 range, but I noticed that my partner usually goes over there. 😅 Definitely really insightful to have these worksheets as it inspires me to talk this over with my therapist. Thank you so much!

This is so interesting! As a person with adhd and aspergers it's extremely helpful to see these steps in such a clear way! I have always struggled with what and when I should say something. (Specially if I am interested in getting to know someone better 😅) So to avoid pushing them away I tend to be very neutral and that seems to push them away anyways lol Thanks for this video ♥️ and I will def. try to pay closer attention to these steps in my interactions :B

@amber-xh4gv

Жыл бұрын

same (i also have adhd and low support autism) I always feel like im scaring people away and never know what im doing wrong so this video is helpful

My autism needs this information. I always overshare, and probably still will. But in an opposite way I take on a lot of information from others, like there's a guy I met online. My listening and care got him to open up to in one way to a ten within three days of meeting, and this is an affect I have on people. And while I overshare, I always dress it in socially acceptable ways. And knowing this person in this way this quickly I realize now that I do not trust him enough to share my details, and so I cut off the relationship. On top of that we kinda skipped over so many other steps of intamacy. No wonder im never comfortable with anyone, but I can't imagine anyone I've ever met being actually comfortable with who I am, so the exhausting charade continues.

@amigodavizinhanca7562

Жыл бұрын

I am also autistic and i related to this in a unimaginable level... You are a outsider too hmm? Don't have a place, a group, a home? You just coexist with people but rarely connect ?

@nivrin001

Жыл бұрын

When you say share it in socially acceptable ways do you mean self deprecating humor?

@tcrijwanachoudhury

Жыл бұрын

I have the opposite issue, I never go above 1-4, these days more 1-2, I dont share anything and people dont trust me as much. I used to be like this but it's REALLY bad now so much so that it's starting to cause issues

Your KZread Videos are so high quality and useful. I watched you a lot and I hope your channel continues to grow!

i didn't really grow up with boundaries and i used to over share with anyone who would listen. this video is so helpful thank you

This is genius. A great way to navigate social situations more mindfully.

Thank you so much, Ana! I noticed that for me levels 3-4 come after 5-6 because my philosophical disclosures are unpopular, it's a little weird but instead of using it as a filter I tend to hide those things until I'm sure we're deep into the scale. I don't have many friends because I don't trust easily, and find it very hard to do so when talking about me and my opinions. There are a lot of things i'm not familiar with so culturally speaking i'm sort of an outcast. I usually stay in levels 7-8 with my close friends, the closest was a 9.

this is a great framework for making friends and knowing where you stand with people! thank you!

Idk of you'll read this but this has given me so much clarity about myself and how i handle social interaction. Thank you

As a guy learning a lot of emotional and physical intimacy rules I wasn’t taught, these videos are so kind and understanding, while still being incredibly constructive and accessible. This really helped me understand that there’s nothing wrong with not being close with someone yet, and there are ways you can communicate a want to be closer/grow more intimate without having to jump all the way to level 10 total trust. I’m going to challenge myself to feel out my relationships with my friends and family a little further and see if I can foster that intimacy

Ana you have no idea how much this helps. I don't think I've ever had a relationship outside of family where I did anything to form the connection or keep it up (I did have friends, it's just I was always the awkward loner that the somewhat more extroverted/confident person "adopted" without my effort). I'm at a point where I want to change this, as I get older (just turned 18, going to uni next year) less and less people are interested in a friendship like that, where they're the only ones doing the work, and I'm tired of being at the mercy of other people in terms of whether I'm lonely or not. Thing is, I realised that while I want to change this I genuinely have no idea how, because I don't know a thing about how relationships form... This explained something I probably intuitively knew in my subconscious but didn't know how to implement, I think I'll be more confident in talking to people now. Thank you so much!!!

This video is so useful! Find myself forgetting the exercise but when it sticks in my brain my relationships with all my friends blossom so much

I am constantly masking trying to conform to unspoken expectations of people around me and find it hard to open up honestly at all it’s scary and vulnerable to be transparent and now I see why that prevents a progression along this chart and getting past even the mid range with people I’ve worked with forever and really appreciate and admire :,) thanks for breaking it down for us I am going to study the steps and try to utilize them

I love this Thank you Ana. This is exactly what I needed. I have been looking for a tool to increase and measure my vulnerability with my coworkers 🙏🏽

This might just be a game changer for me!! I see myself jumping around levels 1-5 as of now but before that I learned it the hard way not to escalate to a level 10 without being reciprocated at the other levels and it stung for a while. Hoping to be able to use this when university continues as i’m currently on break!

This might just change my life. Thank you.

As someone on the spectrum this is literally so helpful trying to learn boundaries that I obviously miss with strangers and such

Thank you Ana for this advice! I love the match plus one method. It’s definitely low risk and less intimidating. From personal experience, I learned that vulnerability not only should be reciprocated, but it has to be earned. I had many friends who I thought I could trust just by confiding in them about my goals, hardships, boys, and my past. Some of them reciprocated, but most of them (including the ones who reciprocated) used the info against me to embarrass me in front of others which deeply hurt me to the core. Could you please make a separate video on how to know your friends’ intentions before being vulnerable with them? Thank you :) ❤️

as someone on the asd, this helps so much. i have the capability to be social but i have 0 clue on how to utilise them. this helps a lot since i'm very logic-oriented and can follow a set of tasks rather than make stuff up (this is why i'm not naturally a social butterfly). thanks!

i had this video saved for a little while and put off watching it but i'm so glad i finally did. it's really easy-to-grasp information presented in a very straightforward way. as an autistic person, even though it seems like common sense (even to me) that intimacy can be presented on a linear scale, it's difficult for me to observe or analyze in my own relationships and even more difficult to avoid certain pitfalls when talking to people. this gives me a framework that i can use to build confidence which could be really helpful for me

i have been practicing this unorthodoxically for years, i'm glad there is a more doctrinal approach that isn't dry like psychology books or case studies. well explained. thank you.

I used to always stay at the lower levels with everyone, mostly levels 1-2, but I've realized now I have people at level 10 and 9 a lot and I take every opportunity to tell people I love them! I guess a lot has changed.

@darkacadpresenceinblood

Жыл бұрын

i'm proud of you!! and thanks for commenting this, you give me hope that this could be me in a few years

Thanks for this video, really helps me think about the super intense starts of relationships where i share every vulnerability then beat myself that I shared that stuff when the relationship ends in a week or 2 weeks. Gonna try a steady level increase for next relationships

I wish I knew about this concept earlier; it feels like a great way to contextualize those ideas. Helpful and great vid!

Psychological Rizz

Wow this gives me a lot of perspective on the conversations I've had that always felt off. I've realistically reached up to 9 with partners but the progression and matching the levels in the right way is something I'll need to work on.

Thanks for the worksheet! I'm autistic, but I like building close relationships with friends, and I really struggle with that. This worksheet will help me have a better understanding of were I am with other people, and when and when not to advance relationships.

I think most of what I would have to say about the great content you put out has been said by people on the comments, so I would just add: keep it up, we love and appreciate what you do and you are very necessary!

Rizzology technique handbook

Me: I don't get why it's so hard for me to make friends, my social skills are great This video: Hey, did you know there are different levels of intimacy, and you're supposed to move through them one by one? This is how you can tell them apart! Me: wait what

@observing..3036

Жыл бұрын

you're not necessarily "supposed" to do this technique, it just exists for people who would find it helpful specifically to be low-risk. you can socialize however you want! as long as you're not intentionally being an asshole or hurting someone obviously

@yltraviole

Жыл бұрын

@𝙰𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚖𝚒 Tbh, it was never easy for me lol. I had trouble making friends as a kid too.

@MorgurEdits

Жыл бұрын

@𝙰𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚖𝚒 It is because as a kid you just go to like 7-8 with others in like couple days and in a week or two you got full 10s with some kids, cause kids are more open. As the saying goes (something like) "the truth comes from the childs mouth". As we grow older we learn usually as a child that things that have happened or what someone said actually hurt us and we have lost suddenly some friends and we memorize these things, learn about coping with that and so we aproach puberty with just the right amount of anxiety.

Honestly i never thought id watch a video on youtube about psychology, but that was as concise as could be. Ive always been the type to struggle with understanding where i stand with people so this kinda blew my mind Really well done, great video and great explanation Easy sub✌🏻

I have no friends and no partner. I feel completely isolated from everyone. I think it has to do partially with not letting anyone in on my life or thoughts. Not sure why that is. Today a lady called me friend and I had no words to say. Something is off with me and I can’t seem to get a grasp on what exactly it is or how to fix it. I get anxiety around people - ladies, dudes, anyone. Maybe this is the answer which is to be more vulnerable to people but at the same time I was taught to never show anyone weakness and to be the reasonable one. I feel like I’m in a bubble that nobody can access. That said, I’m working on myself by becoming physically stronger and having goals. Still don’t know how to become more intimate with people and not feel like an outsider. Wish there was something I could do everyday like an exercise or something to help with this.

@normanclatcher

Жыл бұрын

Lovely weather today, isn't it?

@joshforde698

Жыл бұрын

This resonates with me, I have what I guess I would now consider a friend who I met professionally and she has paid me a couple of very personal compliments and I feel so unnatural when I even think about returning the favour.

Excellent video. I figured this out eventually, but I wish I had learned it earlier. Kids with ADHD typically have trouble recognizing the granular differences between spots on this scale. 🙂 Either way, just imagine what our world would be like if we all learned this in school. I get the feeling we'd all be a lot better adjusted.

I needed this 😅 I will be coming back to listen because I loved the level breakdowns. I also know how weird it feels since older people are always dumping on me. I’m okay with it, but I also need that reminder that I can’t just approach others already at a 10 because I am okay with it 😬

I appreciate you sharing this because I’ve been told (by previous romantic partners) that I’m not emotionally available or vulnerable enough

As a naturally distrustful person, I do this scale intuitively. To see it quantified is kinda cool. Most friends would be around a level 4 for me. If I've known you for a year or so, probably a level 5. Level 7 and above is for my close friends and my immediate family. In college, I found a group of friends who I went from level 4 to level 9 in the course of 3 months and it's reciprocal. It's kinda crazy how it all worked out.