I’m 69yrs old and have been free from the narcissist 5yrs and still need these videos to keep me grounded. I wasn’t crazy as he always said I was! As a senior living on a very low income I couldn’t afford on going therapy and Dr. Carter has been a lifesaver for me. THANK YOU 💙

@caroleminke6116

9 ай бұрын

I’m 65 & he just left in the spring ❤️‍🩹 I hope to make it to 69 on a 5 year recovery plan with not much $ but a lot of time to reflect on my past mistakes & learn some new tricks in life!

@carolnahigian9518

9 ай бұрын

Be patient with your Self!! It is never too late! I feel you, my friend!!!!

@annettedeering127

9 ай бұрын

Been physically away & refuse any contact with 2 nars & am healing well for past year. Yes, they talk $hit about me but I believe in Karma & I'll just sit back & wait.

@leslierobertson612

9 ай бұрын

That's beautiful! I too am so thankful for educated and wise counselors such as Dr. C. and Dr. Ramani. They have made all the difference in getting me on the healing path after Narc #1 25 years ago. Narc #2, whom I was with for just less than 2 years between 2021 and March 2023, led me to the blessing of Dr. C's message such that I could finally get healing and greater inner self knowledge. I feel like at age 60 I am able to have a chance at life. We have lots to be thankful about! ❤💯🤍

@itchingbitch

9 ай бұрын

I'm 66. Isn't it wonderful that we finally come to terms with our own worth finally, by the time we reach our 6th decade we like go "DUH! I have more value than this!" THEY LOSE!!! You WON@yourself...(BIG SMILE)

1. Cannot admit character defects 2. Cannot resist the urge to criticize 3. Cannot be objective in the midst of disagreements 4. Cannot let go of a competitive mindset 5. Cannot develop an appreciation for the unique qualities of others 6. Cannot manage their own personal emotions 7. Cannot think or communicate with the freedom of others in mind 8. Cannot be authentic

@kdevinturner8778

9 ай бұрын

Mimicry might be in order on your list. Great list.

@derekpmoore

9 ай бұрын

@@kdevinturner8778 where does mimicry go on the list? Give me the updated # and I’ll edit it!

@kdevinturner8778

9 ай бұрын

@@Eet_Mia Thank you for your reply. Interesting. I agree with you. And she did. Does the overuse of cliche's count the same way too? Opening my personal mail? Unsolicited advice? Narcissists are just plain bad people who come from their own cold dark souls. Lucky I am not one of them. God bless you Mia.

@kdevinturner8778

9 ай бұрын

@@derekpmoore Personal experience. you don't need to edit anything. Cheers.

@kdevinturner8778

9 ай бұрын

@@Eet_Mia Only the beta wimps are. Alpha dogs are mostly good men who never type in all caps.

This makes me want to cry. You have accurately described my husband of almost 50 years. To outsiders he is a handsome, talented, considerate man. I know who he really is. It has only been in the last 5 years that I discovered that he is the problem, and I’m not crazy, emotional, guilty, or whatever else he said I was in order to diminish me. My Christian faith is what has kept me with him all these years. Now, I am almost 71 years old, and I definitely don’t have the financial means or the physical ability to work and live on my own. In so many ways he is a great person, but that nasty narcissism overshadows all the good things he has to offer. I have never said all of this stuff to anyone in my life, ever! It just makes me so sad. Thank you for helping me find myself again. Although I hate that anyone has to experience being married to a narcissist, it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one living like this.

@GUITARTIME2024

9 ай бұрын

But you could have the attributes he said you have. One doesn't negate the other.

@itssmiller3803

9 ай бұрын

It’s never too late to start over. There’s programs and such if need be. I would not say before hand that you’re leaving though

@denicehaley9902

9 ай бұрын

I, too, just found out a few years ago. I turned 61 in July, disabled, lost my career; but, my faith in the Lord & teachings of Dr. C. are helping me overcome what the enemy gas stolen. Many prayers to you. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

@patriciaalbertson5183

8 ай бұрын

The Toxic religious beliefs that made us stay, diminished us as people, were forced on us by abusive family... (Not our loving God, or a healthy Church family). I pray every day for more church leaders to be enlightened and supportive. Thank God for Dr. C, and others such: as Dr. Henry Cloud, John Townsend and Steve Arterburn who have clarified what God's support looks like.

@Rempast

8 ай бұрын

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Because of videos like these I'm only just realizing that both my parents were closeted incestual pedophiles and I did nothing to protect my sister because I was completely oblivious to it all. I have to live with that for the rest of my life now.

“An underdeveloped whiner” .. you said it!! It is not any adult’s job to drag an overaged toddler through life. Run!!

@jackilynpyzocha662

9 ай бұрын

I was mature at 5 years old, than my dad, the narcissist; it was exhausting!

@lindabarale9508

9 ай бұрын

Nail on the head moment@@jackilynpyzocha662

@angelablaney4575

2 ай бұрын

Yep, when you realise instead of being abusers, they're evil pathetic infantile liners with no skills whatsoever!!! We mustn't let their abuse continue to affect us because they will end up with more shame to add to their hellish life! It's important to stay away and keep in the Light of Jesus Christ!!! We're all survivors👑👑👑👑🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

@jackilynpyzocha662

Ай бұрын

I have had no-contact with my narcissist dad for almost 114 days now.

Narcissists loves criticize others but they cant stand any criticism themselves. Talk about having zero self awareness.

@danielchallenger979

Ай бұрын

This is is because double standards are the only type of standards narcissists have

The competitiveness of Narcissists! Always arguing, always having to one up you. They are truly mentally and emotionally unstable people.

@LWi-yz4oz

27 күн бұрын

Amen

Literally, you will go "crazy " trying to figure them out. Life is to short...RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Narcissists are forever playing the games of “gaslighting” & “one up you.” The unnecessary competition is exhausting.

Honestly, walk away from narcs.

@cmbr.

9 ай бұрын

Absolutely! If you can

@wolfling2039

9 ай бұрын

I’d agree in most cases but there are some self-aware narcissistic people out there who get treatment. Lee Hammock is one. His wife told him he was a narcissist and he was diagnosed and went to therapy. He now helps victims of narcissists heal. He’s one of the few who are willing to change but it’s not always best to toss the baby with the bath water. I’d agree that if your narcissist isn’t willing to go to therapy it’s best to move on.

@jet4415

8 ай бұрын

@@wolfling2039One out of a million, that is a high percentage!

@barbaramcdaniel463

8 ай бұрын

I did.

@susanruch6598

2 ай бұрын

I agree. It's very hard, but well worth it.

A narcissist is a person who will keep you from seeing your loved ones and then accuse you of abandoning them. You really just have to avoid and/or get away from these people.

@MJ-qb5ph

9 ай бұрын

I see you know my family

@robertanicholls7268

9 ай бұрын

And they still pursue you

@margaritamora2350

9 ай бұрын

This is absolutely true. When I had my first child, my husband didn’t want my mother to come from out of town to be with us for the event and to help me through.hHe said she would just be on the way!

@joycegreer9391

9 ай бұрын

I sure know that one!

@johnward8064

9 ай бұрын

Amen

"Your freedom scares them" is exactly right. I have known many family members who are narcissists and they act as though you attacked them when we just live our own lives differently from them. God tells us plainly in His word not to be around narcissists or we will end up being like them. I understand what this means, they poke and poke and poke until we feel like blowing up. I never let them get to the third poke and then I stay away from them.

@leef8063

9 ай бұрын

They poke and poke and poke until we feel like blowing up. And when you blow up, that is the finish line, they win. When I left the narcissistic woman that I loved. I gave her mother that I loved a hug goodbye, then her. No bad words spoken but just a firm goodbye. They both grew ridged through the hug, which I found odd from hundreds of hugs before. This when I learned the sickness, mental illness of narcissism.

@Sdtgfyu

9 ай бұрын

You are right about it being in God's word. There's a video a woman did that gives the exact verses in the Bible, in case anyone is interested. (Sorry you'll have to search it. I don't have the link.)

@dakoderii4221

9 ай бұрын

That's the woke people. They hate your freedom and say it's "scary and dangerous". You are "stupid and crazy" so they have the right to dictate everything you do, down to your very thoughts. If you don't comply, you are a racist Nazi who is "oppressing" them so they have the right to assault you, in the name of love. The worst are the "Christian" woke. There is no such thing. We are to abide by God's word, not man's. They draw nigh to God with their mouths but their heart is far from Him.

@jesuschristiskingandsavior461

9 ай бұрын

Can you tell me the Bible verse for where it says that?

@Sdtgfyu

9 ай бұрын

@jesuschristiskingandsavior461 no I don't have it memorized. That's why I said to look for the video. Geez, put in some effort for crying out loud.

Communication Self-reflection Insight Accountability Acceptance of differences Boundaries (setting and respecting) Being alone Handling and controlling their emotions Accepting flaws (and that there's no such thing as perfection) Disagreeing without blaming Hearing feedback without getting irritated ...and so on There are so many, I am curious, which you will focus this video on

@AJ-ks4lv

9 ай бұрын

Reading this it is also really sad; being emotionally a small child forever ,thus so dependent on other people. But having to steal and manipulate and lie [ preferrably from the giving and the trusting] to hide this. However, a small child does not hide, it learns in progress. One can laugh[a little] about a child hitting another child over a toy in the sandpit, because it soon will know better. The N-People can keep on hurting because they [perhaps partly unconsiencely] learned other people presume they are righteous. In their eyes that is rather stupid. When you spot a person like that, close all your doors and be aware that this time you are not beiing rude or impolite even when it looks that way to others.Just ask them to open their own door instead of you. You will be surprised.....

@jesuschristiskingandsavior461

9 ай бұрын

And civil disagreeing without arguing or freaking out

@recoveringsoul755

9 ай бұрын

Arrested development? Some kind of trauma they can't process.. they create a false self to cope

@Gardenwitch1954

9 ай бұрын

😢

@Picca65

9 ай бұрын

​@@recoveringsoul755true. That's what makes it sad for themnas well. But they shouldn't protect it on others

My marriage was shaky from day one, but when I said to the narcissist that we could go into counselling to try and sort things out, he said, 'Why should I do that when it isn't my fault, it's yours.' You can't discuss anything with these individuals; In the end, after 40 years, I was the one that said 'Goodbye' to our fractured relationship.

@amber40494

9 ай бұрын

We went to a therapist who saw us separately. After he talked to my hub, he came in and told me that I should fix myself up more for my hub, and maybe he would take an interest in me. It was all my fault, just not attractive enough to keep the hub from cheating. Never went to that therapist again!

@mday3821

9 ай бұрын

​@amber40494 That's horrible. Glad you saw it for what it was.

@sbaker4920

9 ай бұрын

It took me almost 40 years to separate on my initiative. This was after years of joint and single counseling/therapy. I finally blocked him on my phone/Facebook after realizing why should I have to continue to hear his criticism/opinions when I'm no longer married to him.. Unfortunately, I stayed too long and it harmed me.

@Heaven-dy9lj

9 ай бұрын

My therapist, (after my partner had a complete meltdown, shouting going absolutely crazy! ), refused to see my partner. The therapist wrote to me and said I can work with you but not your partner. My partner after a few years has said this is not true, the reality is he'd see us separately -which is not true and gaslighting. When I was was leaving the therapist gave me a stare for one minute and would not overt the gaze -even when I looked away.

@DJRenee

9 ай бұрын

Women don't know when to RUN/ESCAPE.... this shit has to stop. At least don't have children and make yourself miserable and broken.

I had 5 kids. The narc, all by himself, was the problem child. My 5 kids were never a problem.

@cc1k435

9 ай бұрын

I've always said I discovered a second child in the house the moment I had the first one. 😆

@nygrl6102

9 ай бұрын

My second child is an adult narcissist. It's really tough when it's a child. He was always difficult but became intolerable as an adult.

@SavedByTheBloodOfChrist551

9 ай бұрын

@@nygrl6102 My son is also. Most counselors speak about only partners/spouses that are this way, rather than adult children. It's really hard to have a son like this because you want to believe the best about them. But then you are forced to face up to what they are and that you will forever be blamed for all their problems.

@cindyreeves5048

9 ай бұрын

😂

It all adds up to control. Control makes them feel powerful and important which feeds into their deep seeded feeling of feeling inferior to others.

@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690

9 ай бұрын

Your right. Boundaries are a must with any narcissist because what we allow continues

“Someone in this equation needs to be an adult” well said Dr C😊

Summoned the book, 'All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten' as it seems to be counter to Narcissism in a way...sharing, being kind to one another, cleaning up after themselves & living a balanced life of work, play & learning. 📚

@gwendolynworsley9586

9 ай бұрын

Q++q🎉

@An-mei

9 ай бұрын

🧡🌻

@taraarrington2285

9 ай бұрын

The golden rule. Very simple.

@vivianeprudentiabuelens9142

9 ай бұрын

I understand the problem, but in Belgium 🇧🇪 they don’t ! I live in Belgium 🇧🇪 I now what I am talking about ! Happy you got out ! 😊❤…… 2:40

@caroleminke6116

9 ай бұрын

Narcs never reach that age 🤦‍♀️

“Someone needs to be an adult..” spot on. Don’t react to them. Use few words & then remove yourself from the person. If possible forever! Yep, “leave them in your rearview mirror.” Life’s too short to have the chaos & pain a narcissist creates in your life. Peace of mind, grab it. Great video Dr. C.❤

@anathardayaldar

9 ай бұрын

Sounds like either they can't be fixed or they can but we don't have the time and energy to fix them. Either way, cut our losses and get distance.

@osajohnson1957

8 ай бұрын

As well, it is not our job to "fix" them or anybody.@@anathardayaldar

10:12 How often have you questioned in your mind "Why is it that I simply can't get through to this person?" ..... So, so true .....

Narcissism is the replacement of the inability to find ones purpose in life with pettiness. Empathy should not be confused with sympathy.

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

Well stated.

I noticed that if you point something out to a narcissist, sometimes they see it as a personal attack. This sometimes results in the narcissist flipping a switch and viciously attacking you. You're left wondering why your goid friend, the narcissist has suddenly become your eternal enemy. 🤷‍♀️

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

You speak truth.

@angelamwatts

9 ай бұрын

​@SurvivingNarcissism Afterwards, there also seems to be no redemption. I guess it comports to the narcissist's paranoia and their black and white thinking. Although, in certain situations, you can be redeemed by the narcissist but only if it benefits the narcissist. In that case, you're right back to square one and the abuse starts all over again.

@lishmahlishmah

9 ай бұрын

You say "sometimes"...? I would say _almost all the times_ 😑

@nancytwigg4631

9 ай бұрын

Yepper, why point out anything to a narcissist ever, right? They don't care what you think. They are always right. No one can ever criticize a narcissist.....unless one wants to deal with their craziness and wrath.

@sbaker4920

9 ай бұрын

@@nancytwigg4631 Exactly! I found that I was being erased over time and fear of his anger continued to grow.

Narcs are scary predictable. Each is slightly different, but they all exhibit the same hallmarks.

You’ve actually described my husband to a T. The aggravating part is I didn’t realize he was a narcissist, because he was so damn good at it until after he was dead. The strange part was when he died I never showed a tear. I surprised myself and I haven’t been unhappy for one second.

@cindyreeves5048

9 ай бұрын

Damn. That’s harsh. What I mean is: I get you. I realized the same with the narc in my life as well. Just didn’t think of it this way.

@gordonschedel368

9 ай бұрын

@@cindyreeves5048 if your husband or wife get out while you can

@loulou9978

8 ай бұрын

I divorced my covert narcissist husband of 35 years moved away and never looked back. I feel no sense of loss and I don’t miss him one bit.

@e.conboy4286

8 ай бұрын

I think my husband may be dead. How can I tell? 👀 He’s been lying on the sofa for years!!

@e.conboy4286

8 ай бұрын

Not to worry. Tears are not the only measure of your distress. Many are crocodile tears. I’m sure your grief had been felt already. Mine has.

accountability. 8 times. they simply can not do it - admit they have flaws like the rest of us flunkies and stop behaving like children. no one wants a perfect person anyway.

Definitely not kindness or consideration which was ALL I wanted!

@roxymovie3938

9 ай бұрын

No genuine kindness, No consideration, No comfort, No genuine affection, No remorse, No responsibility, No accountability, No truth, No understanding...of human nature. A man could be blind with eyes and see much more than a man blind at heart. He is living in total darkness. Hope you are doing well, Amanda❣

@nancytwigg4631

9 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing these comments...helps me.

@amandaliverpool3374

9 ай бұрын

I am grateful for everyone's comments and support 🙏 ❤️

It's so bizarre how any little comment can be taken as an insult and turns into a full blown argument. It really is bizarre. Multiple times I stop and say "how did you go from this simple comment I made to THIS?" IT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THE THINGS YOU LISTED HERE. they simply don't know how to have a conversation at all

@caroleminke6116

9 ай бұрын

Fear rage envy then revenge & denial… rinse & repeat this pattern infinitely but they will never rise into the heart ❤️‍🩹 no higher emotions inside them just their automatic retribution

@wissn2112

Ай бұрын

They make a derogatory remark. If you calmly point it out. They will say..."well I'm just saying" then it turns into a shitshow. Well then just stop just saying. Then it leads to them saying.." Well you know what............."

Everything you just said is absolutely right. I have struggled with my husband for 55 years and could not understand why he is like he is. It was on the 3 July this year that I discovered that he is a narcissist, I had no idea. The shock was tremendous and took me sometime to settle down to this. Now I listen to you, Dr Carter, and other professionals talking about narcissism, and I am blown away that there are people out there who understand and explain simply, exactly what is going on. I am so appreciative to you all and will continue listening and learning. Thank you so much.

@chanchan5349

9 ай бұрын

41 years here. I’m the same. I couldn’t figure out why we couldn’t talk about anything, or I’d talk and he wouldn’t listen, and he’d just do what he wanted anyway. Year 39 I happened to listen to a podcast about neglectful narcissists and it was like lightening struck. I finally understood. To EVERYONE he is such a great person, has been forever. I’m the dog in the manger. Oh the stories! Bet you have them too.

@elizabethbrehm8996

9 ай бұрын

Same 31 years of marriage just learned 2-3 years ago that he’s a covert, neglectful or perhaps malignant narcissist. I’m constantly getting colds and illness ever since I realized this. Truly aweful that I’ve wasted so much time and energy trying to figure him out. Now that I know what do I do????? Ugh. Lose everything we’ve built together get rid of our family home so my young adult children have nothing. What a crazy life.

@jennelleschulzeck9426

9 ай бұрын

@@elizabethbrehm8996 Hi, yes, my dilemma is the same "what to do". I have decided to stay as I have my son and 6 year old grandson living with me also and I felt my grandson needs me more than the other two at this point in time. So now that I know, if I want to do something I will totally ignore my husband's nasty remarks and keep going. he will have a go at me when I come home but still, I am learning to ignore him. If he was physically violent I would leave but he is all verbal. He drives me crazy at times as he is like a dog with a bone. Never lets up.

@diannecavanaugh

9 ай бұрын

@@elizabethbrehm8996 sending you best wishes for calm, peaceful, happiness. Enjoy what you have built. Maintain (regain?) your true self and go forward in life (as you probably have been) standing in your own feet and building far more than you realize. No doubt, you have done the work alone and unsupported at least real a reward or two; richly deserved

@pamela9270

9 ай бұрын

Buy some nice noise canceling over the ear headphones and listen to some nice music of your choosing. It helps.

One of my narcissists writes letters to family members telling them how to run their lives. She feels perfectly entitled to do this. She can't let anyone be free to be themselves. I once asked her, "Do you not see we are two very different people?" Control is their primary goal.

@patriciafry8634

9 ай бұрын

Obnoxious as she is, I hope the letter recipients ignore her.

@rebeccaz789

9 ай бұрын

One sister in law wrote a letter to another sister in law, and caused my 2 brothers not to speak for a long time. It's very cruel to write a letter like that.

@cindylong624

9 ай бұрын

@@rebeccaz789 it's called triangulation where the narc uses and abuses others,causes infighting,etc. It was planned

@rebeccaz789

9 ай бұрын

@@cindylong624 I looked up the term triangulation, but I don't understand how to apply it. She is married to the brother that controls the estate. I received nothing from my father's estate out of 5 siblings. Ten years after my father passed, I returned for my mother's 80th birthday at the request of another brother. I was told about the letter, but I didn't take sides. Everyone acted like it was normal. A few months later, she stopped communication and no brother talks to me except happy birthday text. I'm back to the way it was.

@paulinerichardson138

9 ай бұрын

Intrigued by the weird and Freudian poisoned pens sent to younger relatives blaming them for ...her and her siblings nasty behaviour.Fascinating.

Relying heavily on the outside world is a guaranteed recipe for disappointment. No wonder they're always so upset.

One of the most energy draining, soul eating traits of narcissists is their temper tandrum mentality. Ok, we have different oppinions, can we just go on with our normal life now? No, never, always: temper tandrum. That's so frustating.

@riel4553

9 ай бұрын

The local Narc avoids responsabilities by claiming that she's tired. Yet she has energy to throw multiple 1-hour tantrums a day if you say anything: Where is my pen? Tantrum! You left the fridge open, Tantrum! The pizza that you ordered is here, Huge Tantrum!

@Mehmet-rw9bu

9 ай бұрын

​@@riel4553 They are always the victim. Saying that they are so tired and exhausted and then going on full rage for hours. Makes totally sense, doesn't it 😂

@wissn2112

Ай бұрын

They want arguments over chicken sandwiches and ice cubes.

I'm in the same situation you just described. I'm 69 years old; married 47 years; trying to be a godly wife ... The realization that I have given my entire life to this is staggering. We have much in common, my friend. Peace.

The worst thing about them to me is the way they project everything onto their victim. None of us are perfect; but it's hard enough facing our own flaws without having theirs projected onto us.

@LWi-yz4oz

27 күн бұрын

Amen

Very good post! I've found this to be 100% accurate. Narcissists can't apologize, because they don't understand the simple concepts of acknowledging another person's feelings, and admitting they made a mistake, both of these acts require: humility, introspection, empathy, and respect.

@sallywillis1448

7 ай бұрын

Yes, a narcissist I know said proudly "I never apologise." And how true that was!

Narcissists DREAD AND FEAR self reflection- it’s their curse their karma and their infinite Hell

@Clevelandsteamer324

9 ай бұрын

If they were on an island alone with no source of outside validation they would implode

@johncorson6599

9 ай бұрын

Thus the analogy of vampires and their having no reflection of themselves in a mirror .. spot on

@dnwitte

7 күн бұрын

My narc tried three different group therapy settings and was thrown out of every one of them. Of course it was always the fault of the facilitator or the other clients and nothing to do with his rage over being confronted.

Trying to see these skills from the perspective of a Narcissist: 1. Communication "I am using the right words, but not for understanding you, just for getting you exactly where I need you. Words are just used to manipulate you. I am using language and my voice to hypnotize you, which can be endless monologues to pull you into my desillusional world." 2. Connecting "I am not able to connect with you for I have no possibility to enter your world. I am blind to see you as you are. I can only see my world, an inner world of emptiness." 3. Love "I am not able to love for I do not know what love is. I need your admiration and conformity because at my core I hate myself." 4. Conflict solving/Anger management "I cannot handle conflicts for I am recognizing threats everywhere and every threat turns out into anger or rage, which keeps me stuck in myself as I am using my anger only as a defense mechanism instead of solving/growing." 5. Happiness/Peace "I am not able to feel any kind of positive feelings like happiness or a neutral, balanced feeling as peace. In my body I can only feel negative feelings like anger, jalousy, envy etc." 6. Team-Player "I cannot be a team player for there is only one team that's important: the me-above-all-team. I can only dominate you for the world is a competition and I need to win in every situation." 7. Self-reflection/insight "How could I self reflect when there's such a huge chaos inside of me, that pushes me from one moment to the next? By the way, I do not have time to reflect because I need to look for my (new) supply 24/7." 8. Moral compass/Truth/Reality "Who will tell me what's right or wrong? My narrative is always right for I can change every lie into my truth. The reality is my power over you, isn't it?"

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

You have such keen insight, Roxy.

@roxymovie3938

9 ай бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, Dr Carter. This really means a lot to me. The Sociopath I was dealing with would tell me in disgust, "You have such a x-ray vision!" And another time he would call me superficial. His shifting narratives were driving me crazy although I know that I am a person that needs and likes a deeper dive for clarity and understanding, I began doubting myself.

@sandrawamerdam2219

9 ай бұрын

That was a great way to point out the key ingredients. I am now dealing with my daughter n law who I now have to just appease to see my son and grandson

@Sdtgfyu

9 ай бұрын

Wow you nailed it. Especially #3. You put each one so succinctly. Thank you.

@Strangertothisworld-vw5zr

9 ай бұрын

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 exactly .

My covert narc sister finally admitted she held a 25 year grudge against my dying husband. That's why she wouldn't visit him before he died. Between the offensive incident and his death she came to every family event including the 12 years he and I hosted. Never said anything about the grudge in that time. Two weeks after her admission she asked why i was so upset. I told her, she said she didn't recall saying that. She smiled slightly. I gave her more time. I became her full time target. I had to go no contact. She and our demanding brother have been smearing me. I've been gradually healing with help from a group, a online counselor and excellent speakers like you, Dr. Carter.

@danielkaiser8971

9 ай бұрын

I had been in "no contact" with my narcissistic mother for 11 years until my father passed away a year ago. For about a month I was back in contact with her because of this. At one point we got around to talking about the past and I asked her why she did certain things (why she was so abusive) and her response was obviously a set piece she had obviously thought about for a very long time: "I believe you, but I don't remember." It was her way of shutting down any further discussion, but it was also a lie. I tested her by bringing up another time in the distant past, but in this version I included one little falsehood about something she did. She immediately stopped me and said it didn't happen that way, and then proceeded to describe what happened. So she had always in fact "remembered", but she was lying to shut down further talk about it. When your sister said she didn't recall saying that, it reminded me of what I once saw on a TV show about court cases. When the (guilty) defendant said they "didn't remember that", the judge said, "In that case, the plaintiff's version is the only evidence and it will be considered the truth."

@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690

9 ай бұрын

Covert narcissist are the worst. That's what husband's mother is. They are so sneaky and good at acting

"Humble people capable of changing, recognizing their mistakes and publicly apologizing are the ones who are worth it" (Narcissist preparing us to be an easy going slave)

I'm convinced that soap opera/daytime drama addiction exacerbated & refined my MOMster's narcissistic "skills." Those shows groom & glorify subterfuge, paranoia, manipulation & narcissistic abuse.

@Me-mn4nw

9 ай бұрын

They most certainly do. The show Dallas and its spin-offs were a big game changer back in the day.

My father confronted me ,as I came out of my doctors office. He was waiting by my car. He had a full on tantrum on the sidewalk. Trying to manipulate me over something. Mind you, I was 65 at the time and he was 88! Even though I was shaking at the time, I didn’t engage with him. I walked to my car, got in. He was standing behind my car with his arms folded. I started to back up, praying I didn’t hit him. Thankfully I made it and off I went. He had badgered me my entire life. Later he mentioned it to my daughter. He was incensed that I said nothing to him, got in my car and drove off! This was our last confrontation...and I won!

@laurieannJake

9 ай бұрын

But is it about winning?? 😢

@clubdesalud1488

9 ай бұрын

​​@@laurieannJakehe won in the sense that he kept himself in check by not engaging. He litterally leveled up that day. I had similar experience, my ex was screaming at me on the phone, i was about to react going on the defensive but my gf said just hang up. So i did! After that, when being around the explosive ex, I would just ignore her. Then later, I learned to whip my phone out and start recording her. That ALWAYS worked to make her check herself.

@autumnkeller443

9 ай бұрын

​@@clubdesalud1488 they want to provoke you and then they play victim whenever you have an outburst.

They poke and poke and poke until we feel like blowing up. And when you blow up, that is the finish line, they win. When I left the narcissistic woman that I loved. I gave her mother that I loved a hug goodbye, then her. No bad words spoken but just a firm goodbye. They both grew ridged through the hug, which I found odd from hundreds of hugs before. This when I learned the sickness, mental illness of narcissism.

But narcs cannot tolerate even a hint of direct criticism; they even misconstrue an intended compliment as criticism and react with instant vocal rage 😕

Ooh I know my faults and admit when I'm flawed, no one but no one is perfect. No one likes critism when the cards are stacked and someone else holds all the aces and they hand the jokers out on a permanent basis.

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, I love her so much, I don't know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her

@juanderuano8969

9 ай бұрын

wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?.

@juanderuano8969

9 ай бұрын

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

@Clevelandsteamer324

9 ай бұрын

You fell in love with a character. That person never existed. They just mirrored you. It’s extremely painful but you must understand it was all an act. Please research: trauma bond, cognitive dissonance, intermittent reinforcement. God bless

All so true. And so sad. It's a really miserable way to go through life. The narcs in my life especially hated my granting of freedom to others. I don't know why, but this in particular really set them off. I was constantly getting haranged because I was friends with a broad spectrum of people and accepting of people as they were. This really angered the narcs, who told me repeatedly that I was betraying my standards by doing this. This always baffled me, which just made them angrier. I have to say, though, since learning about narcissism and coming to understand its impact on my life, I am less willing to stand there and see everyone else's point of view. That is the exact trait that got me into a marriage with a narcissist. I feel like that gets pushed to the point of bullying in our culture, and I'm no longer willing to be endlessly "reasonable" and say, "yes, I see your point of view" when someone is just being a bully and a jerk and getting away with it because no one wants to set boundaries. That was used against me hugely and at the same time, I kept getting told I was a totally unreasonable person. I'm not. I'm actually a very reasonable and fair person. But I'm done being manipulated by people insisting that I must accommodate and be willing to settle and that I must be willing to see their point of view, by which they mean give up my point of view. Nope. Done with that. Sometimes people are wrong. I'm not compromising just because everyone demands that I give in. I feel like I've actually become a lot less willing to stand there and do the whole negotiation thing the more I've healed. Maybe I'm just crabbier, I don't know. But I feel like too much of my life has already been wasted on people like this, and I'm not wasting another second.

@nancytwigg4631

9 ай бұрын

I agree! And similarly, with the help of Dr. C. we are changing...for the better, really. It might not feel like it sometimes. But we need to protect ourselves, our positive energy. Consider participating in Dr. C'S October webinar, I am!!! The Empath's super power.

@danielkaiser8971

9 ай бұрын

The more you heal from abuse, the more intolerable abusive people and situations will be to you. That's one way you know you're healing.

@MoonPhaze5

9 ай бұрын

I grew up with much verbal abuse, neglect, being controlled through not allowing who I was to be acceptable. This was through my immediate family and peers at school. So I didnt feel safe anywhere. At 48 years old, i am not able to correctly discern who I can and cannot trust; and because of this, I have allowed for several hurtful people to get too close to me and cause some damage. I am no longer able to give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore, and this is very sad for me. I feel it's impossible to make friends anymore since I seem to draw all the crazies. 😔

@cindyreeves5048

9 ай бұрын

A to the MEN‼️ Same. My “Give a damn” is busted regarding the narcs in my life-who aren’t really IN my life anymore. I have very high iron gates between me & them now. I am polite & professional.

@mbrights3158

9 ай бұрын

Yes! Very solid boundaries are key! So great that you’ve learned this. They will finagle with you endlessly to try to break down your boundaries! It’s kind of funny how they react once they see they can’t succeed with you….they start toning their insanity down somewhat (you’ve won, and they’re not use to it). I’d say it works in the same way as “gray rock” …you’re giving them nothing to work with. Strong boundaries are key, but being that we are humans with feelings.. our boundaries *can* be frayed and broken down by these master creeps… if we are not vigilant about keeping our emotions (and hurt feelings!) in check. I think gray rock is the ideal mindset/approach. That way you are essentially blocking them from being able to “engage” at all with you. Just don’t ever react to them-cause with gray rock you can expect them to pull out ALL the stops to beat you down/wear you down (just watch them calmly and know what they’re doing- speak calmly, rationally, pleasantly, shortly-and ideally keep interactions very short). Don’t engage any of your feelings or even thoughts about them or what they are saying (never give them an “in” by reacting or trying to understand them or their viewpoint). It’s good to remember that you’re dealing with someone who is not capable of being rational or seeing anything in a rational way. Their only real goal is to mess with you. They are entirely irrational. Never get swept up in it…no matter how much they insult you, mock you, threaten you (as you know..they’ll try everything). Also, keep in mind that as healthy human beings, we are not really designed to deal with that kind of insanity (but as you said, it can be done-but of course it’s still quite unpleasant and exhausting) which is why it’s really best to leave any relationship with a narcissist, if at all possible. At least make it a priority to spend as little time as possible with them. Just my thoughts…💛 I’ve had a lot of personal experience with this and still do! Best regards~

One upping or trying to one up is a classic! They can't stand if somebody else plans something that many others are excited to do because they are control freaks and didn't plan it. So after it's nailed down they will try and find a "better venue", "better price", better whatever (in their view) and throw it out to the group so they can demonstrate they know better and to try and shame and disuade you for thinking about planning anything and to try and cause regret among the others in the hopes that if you ever do dare to plan something else the others may hesitate! They are so exhausting. If anybody but them ever tries to plan or organize anything they work overtime to subvert, create chaos and discord. Narc's and flying monkeys are exhausting and never relent!

Wow you just described the entire last conversation I had before going no-contact 😁

Narcissist have trouble answering simple questions. I think this weakness is related to the some of the things Dr. C is talking about, but its also about devaluing other people. It's like they're trying to pretend that your question doesn't make sense or it doesn't matter. I take joy in asking a narcissist a simple question and they give their unnecessarily evasive, long winded, and illogical response. Then I turn to the person beside them to ask the same question and the answer is either "Yes, it is" or "No, it isn't." The look on the face of the narcissist almost always resembles fear. Maybe fear that they look stupid.

@user-op6hm9tj5x

9 ай бұрын

I mean….what you’re doing to them isn’t exactly healthy either.

@monikagin

3 ай бұрын

Overexplanation can also be an aftermath of abuse. People feel afraid of stating their point when they've endured long term abuse, leading to mentally confusive indecisiveness. But, those people will constantly apologise and be concerned not to speak against anyone...unlike the narcs..

@wissn2112

Ай бұрын

You try to make a simple yes or no question. And they will still deflect.

Yeah ……run away…. no time to walk …RUN !😊 2:26

Within the only communication they are capable of, that is, subliminal hidden messages, one that they really like a lot is "Books with a corner turned, as a reminder to read them at some point"...

A narcissistic family member settled into a "relationship" with an alcoholic a couple of years ago. Their dynamic is one of manipulation and chaos. Suicide threats, OUIs ...you name it. I'm invited to visit but don't wish to expose myself to the toxicity. I care about this person but you're right Dr. C. They are not open to discussion.

The narc in my life always said "I'm doing the best I can with what to have to work with" which was the left-handed way to say "I'd be just fine if I wasn't saddled with you."

Point in question: nobody takes care of me but me. So there is no one to blame and nobody to cover down on me. When someone threatens me and my boundaries, I shut them out.

Wow! You must have met my mother. You described her perfectly with all 8 issues.

03:13 🧐 Narcissists can't admit their own character defects; they deflect blame onto others. 04:09 🗣️ Narcissists cannot resist the urge to criticize others; they play the shame and judgment game. 05:18 😡 In disagreements, narcissists lack objectivity and operate with paranoia, leading to tension and anxiety. 06:13 🤝 Narcissists can't let go of a competitive mindset; they constantly try to one-up others. 07:09 🤝 Narcissists struggle to appreciate the unique qualities of others; they prioritize themselves. 08:04 😤 Narcissists can't manage their emotions and externalize their problems, blaming others for their dissatisfaction. 09:00 🗣️ Narcissists approach interactions with a fixed agenda and lack the ability to communicate freely. 10:08 🎭 Narcissists cannot be authentic; they hide behind a constructed false self and accentuate their positives while concealing their flaws.

Best response to a non-insightful narcissist: choose to be the adult in this equation, I can't afford to struggle with a whiner, complainer, and malcontent. Introspection is a most valuable and attractive traits. Thanks for your insights here Doc. You are awesome.

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

Glad this one resonated, Nancy.

@Jeremy-hx7zj

8 ай бұрын

You're right, that is the wisest course. But I still feel bad for them. They didn't choose NPD, it chose them.

@TheAyurvedic

8 ай бұрын

@@Jeremy-hx7zjI can feel your compassion. I’ve come to the end of mine. They also chose not to get help when it’s offered, let’s not forget that too.

@Jeremy-hx7zj

8 ай бұрын

@@TheAyurvedic most of them are literally incapable of seeing their narcissism as a problem. They don't have the tools to make that choice.

@sallywillis1448

7 ай бұрын

The narcissist I know actually has a whining tone to her voice the whole time.

Being child- like is a beautiful quality, childishness is so different from that.

I remember thinking what is he waiting for to happen so we can start working on those life goals together. I remember thinking I hope he knows our children are going to be adults sooner than later so why is he not doing life with us right now? It’s because he has no intention or interest in that stuff and he was just lying about wanting to.

"My chatacter is fine, my problem is you" 😢

Dealing with being cut off from communication, the ultimate Kryptonite

@jet4415

8 ай бұрын

Haha, they go ballistic when you go no contact. They want to be the first to discard as their ego is so delicate.

His projection was instantaneous so it never occurred to him that he could be to blame 🤦‍♀️ astonishing how unaware they are!

Thank you Dr. C. and Gus. Your videos really give me great things to contemplate. I have watched you for over a year and I believe your videos and Team Healthy have helped me continue to heal and forgive. Myself, most importantly and move beyond this experience to a healthy emotional life, free from dysfunction. I am still learning but do feel better armed to face challenges. Keep up the great work.

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

#TeamHealthy

Chronic malcontent! Absolutely, Dr. C! Haven't heard that term in a long time. Nice one. Thank you for another great teaching video! Have a great weekend! 😊

He doesn’t care what I do- total disinterest, rejection, disengagement…So In Turn, He is living another life AND ministering! 🥵 SO CONFUSING Dr. C, even comparison with what you say the Narc does. Over 32 Yrs. Am I stupid to not divorce?

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

There is no fixed way you should respond. Should you get away? That would probably bring relief, but there is a huge ripple effect impacting other people too. Trust your gut, and discuss your options with someone who gets you and can help objectively sift out your options.

This describes my sister. I used to look up to her as a child, but obviously don't anymore. I will watch this again to make mental notes of what to purge from my own character and personality and behavior, to function in a more healthy way from now on.

@simhess9720

9 ай бұрын

That's the right way of looking at it. Life isn't just about what you want to be like, but also what you don't want to be like. 👍

@MoonPhaze5

9 ай бұрын

That exactly what I'm trying to do, is purge out the malformations in me that were formed by abuse. I just want to be the person I was intended to be, minus all the abuse and neglect and rejection.

I just turned 39. After dancing around it for many years, a gift to myself was telling my brother how I know he's a narcissist. I presume we will go no contact now and that's ok since I haven't spoken with my other brother for almost a decade. I'm the youngest so it's a little strange. They're 6 and 8 years older than me. I'm grateful to be able to do that and that it's a relationship I can walk away from. Unlike some people who are forced to endure it. ❤

Wow!!! You are describing my childhood!!! My parents both with the volatile relationship they had, with both being highly narcissistic (covert & malignant) these things were pillars in my life! 😔 It only stopped when I ceased contact with them both.

@jenniekotoff6772

9 ай бұрын

@@rwdchannel2901 I'm sorry to know that you've experienced that. How incredible it is to know we're not alone in our experiences, even the tough ones. We are not alone. We walked treacherous times as well as did others. Though we were sadly isolated in these experiences by design of those inflicting them on us, we don't stay that way forever and we are able to find community and togetherness, tools for healing and growth in places like this! May you find peace as you continue to walk through the reality of these childhood experiences as you find & love your true self- recognizing that sadly we were told who we supposedly are, or we were even supposedly told our worth by those determined to control or use us.

@ZeeJayEssJay

9 ай бұрын

Same here. Also had to walk away from all the enablers of the abuses of both parents all my life. Pretty much EVERYONE! Starting over later in life is hard. Making new friends when retired is hard. Thank God I have my husband who is so loving and supportive. Otherwise I’m alone in life with no friends or family who would stand by me for telling the truth about the abuse. But then they weren’t really friends or family if they embrace and accept abuse and abusers. It’s a hard road we didn’t ask for.

@normbograham

9 ай бұрын

You cannot even be nice to narcissists. They will use it as an in, to hurt you again.

Man! You're talking about my brother who still won't apologise for ripping into me for something I had nothing to do with. Things weren't going his way in life and I stepped into it.

Oh wow, my partner checks every single box. I am just in the process of understanding and coming to terms that my partner is a narcissist. I have been suffering emotional abuse and manipulation for over 25 years. I thought it was me, that I was losing my mind. Everyone close to me has bought into the illusion of how kind and generous and awesome he is. The list goes on and on. So much is crystallizing for me. I’m moving from a place of fear, indecision and immobility, to perspective, strength and change. I am reclaiming my personal power and finally stepping into my authentic self. Thank you for posting these videos. I feel very validated by watching, which is an awesome feeling. I don’t feel alone. I have been dismissed, gaslighted and used for years. ❤❤❤❤

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

Great to hear this. Please check out the recent video, Rethinking A Narcissist's Shame Messages. I'm so pleased to be on the journey with you. Dr.C

You Just Profiled my Oldest brother, I must Add Scheming, also Trying to make Friends and Family Against you. I Had Great Parents, Bad Brothers, Also Outright Lying to Get what they Want, If his Lips are Moving He's Lying. If you Can't Trust Someone, You Can't Have a Relationship with them

Thank you ❤you are a rock for us tortured survivors of narcissistic behaviour 🙏

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

Welcome!

“I’m on team healthy and I am committed to a lifetime of growth and learning.”

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

Yes!

Repentance was a big “No.”. Same with “apologies.” Accepting differences drove our oldest (nearly adult, at the time) one away. She fled the punishment for being different (willfully disobedient), only to return home after my (narcissistic ex-wife) had discarded me and left.

@Teacher369

9 ай бұрын

That’s so sad, Aaron. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s not your fault and it’s not my fault when difficult people abuse us instead of love and appreciate us. It’s not right, it’s not fair, it just “is.” 😞

@aaronkwolfe

9 ай бұрын

@@Teacher369 Karen, I’ve had plenty of time to (quietly) reflect on that time in my life. A tinge of regret often surfaces, but ultimately it shifts to sadness for her (my narcissistic ex-wife), and realizing that, in a way, it’s made me who I am today. I like me now. Even where our daughter bolted out of the (unsafe) nest, I saw a work ethic in her that made me darn proud of her. That is where I asked her to move back home (once Mom was gone), and her life really began to flourish. I see regret as a strong spice. On occasion, it can bring out other subtle flavors, but if it becomes constant or overwhelming, it can ruin an otherwise great meal experience.

@aaronkwolfe

9 ай бұрын

This west coast time is a big adjustment for me. Premieres begin at 8 am, just as our busyness kicks in. And travel to our next activity happens when I’m usually in my “early greeting” chat mode. I miss you all sooo much, but the IRL activity is so worth it, too.

Notes/Summary: Narcissists lack personal analytical skills and therefore they have emotional and relational difficulties. They are constantly looking for other people to blame their own shortcomings. Life skills Narcs cannot manage: 1. Cannot admit their character defects 2. Cannot resist the urge to criticize 3. Cannot be objective in disagreements 4. Cannot let go of competitive mindset 5. Cannot appreciate your unique qualities 6. Cannot manage their personal emotions 7. Cannot relate with freedom in mind 8. Cannot be authentic Be aware: > It's not about you but about their lack of introspection > Narcs must always be in control > They hold on in a childish state > Their false self has become entrenched 》Will you be a lifelong learner in order to grow? Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈 P.S.: Another perspective from your living room, which is indeed refreshing and chilling Gus dreaming sweet dreams😉

You are way behind the times, Dr C…..many narcissists have been overindulged and spoiled, no trauma, just no boundaries when it comes to their own indulgences.

@Jeremy-hx7zj

8 ай бұрын

I'm sure the theres differences between the narcissism that results from affluence and the narcissism that results from abuse

Critisize,control,dominate, never a normal 2 way conversation

@MarkCook-en4iy

9 ай бұрын

@mschlund1.Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!

A decade and 1/2 of hell. I escaped. Then she really tried to make my life hell by putting the kids against me and keeping me from them. All in all, i still saw the kids at their activities and the constant attacks are still going on. Its been over 10 years since my escape and its been the best years of my life so far.

This is 100 % my mother and my middle sister. You described them for sure. They're both toxic and have been out of my life for many years. Getting them out of my life was my therapy. Last I knew they don't even talk to each other. I still love them, but detest their abhorrent ways.

9- forgiveness is an act of ongoing transactional bribery or blackmail. They consider every slight enacted against them as only tolerable if the offender continues to pay for it.

It really does sadden me when I think of how low I’ve been because of the confusion and twisting of reality to make me wrong no matter how I tried to approach her. I really thought I was the person she was making me out to be. Watching these videos and listening to Voice Recording of our arguments give me a piece of mind to know what reality is outside of her altered reality’s. They have an anger inside themselves that is soothed when they upset you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Their response to conflict is!

This video really helped me understand my boss's behavior, which i recently separated from. He'd do all of these things every time i tried to conflict manage or problem solve. Thank you for explaining it so simply and succinctly. ❤ I decided to be the adult decisively last week and not play his games, and i was fired for it. That was the ultimate childish behavior on his part--"i can't control you, so you're of no use to me". That fit of pique will come back to bite him though, probably already is, given that I was keeping the place running.

Thank you for the great video and insights. Something I have endured and continue to endure is the "dictatorship" of the Narcissist. The Narcissist, always needs to be right, competitively, the best, the smartest, and always the one in control. I have been divorced since 1989, and my former spouse's NPD hasn't gotten better over time. I would say her condition has worsened. It is hard to realize that the NPD has a mental illness. And it is even harder to realize the NPD person won't get better. Short of some sort of Miracle happening, the Narcissist isn't going to mellow-out with age, . They aren't going to Narcissistic Anonymous and start working the Steps. I just thank God I am no longer married to her. It is sad too, because I have some beautiful memories of our marriage in the first 8 years. And I know she and I messed up our children with our sick dance between the two of us. I do my best to not do that dance anymore. In my sickness of drinking too much, I was always trying to teach her a lesson, but doing that with a Narcissist is totally futile. Thanks to God, I have been sober for a long time. And I am trying to improve on my Character defects. My lesson is that if a relationship isn't working, it isn't a "shame" to get totally out of it. I have had to learn that one the hard way. Instead of participating in a War against the other person, it is better to part and go separate ways.

My cat just got in my face and sneezed. He has no concept of flying boogers. I've told him he is a narcissist with inner dysfunction, but he just blinks his eyes and purrs at me.

With that control thry crave so much, comes responsibility...something they want nothing to do with! 🎵You can't have 1 without the other.🎶

Basically they cannot learn past the intellectual and emotional age of around 11, where people start to grasp the long term consequences of their actions. They aren't smart, but they might be clever in figuring out a thousand ways to mask their inability to cope with life on an adult level.

It took me years of being stunned by his mindset. It was just bizarre but, judging from the look on his face, he thought things he said were absolutely logical. I've been married to him for almost 46 years. I was 18, him 22 when we were married. It's only been maybe the last 5 years that I heard the term narcissist. I was amazed it had a name! About year twenty, everything fell into place. I didn't know it was a thing, but I knew this about uhim; While his mother was very critical, I don't think she knew it. She was a tremendously loving person and I never saw or heard anything bad about his & sibs childhood that wasn't like most. My narc was born this way and his mother knew something wasnt right. He was middle of 5 and his mother said it's surprising they had anything to do with him after they grew up. He knows there are things others instinctively understand but he doesn't He knows people feel love, empathy, sympathy but he doesn't I know he tricked, lured me into marriage because he needed a shield. He can not read the room. Until he learned to fake it, he stuck to me like glue He could not understand why I would talk to people I didn't know. He didn't like that at all. I thought he was just shy. Nope. I spent years explaining people's behavior. After parties etc., I would explain why people said or did things. We didn't have a wedding because people would be looking at us. He didn't want attention of any kind. I spent the first twenty five years teaching him that things like telling a funny story to 10 or 15 people can be fun. He has never been wrong about ANYTHING which isn't hard to believe when you rewrite history no matter how ridiculous. I though when he realized he was no longer such an introvert and actually more of an extrovert, he would place value on my efforts. What I realized I had done was not actually change but redirect. He went from being terrified people would notice him and not like him to being someone terrified he won't be noticed and while he really doesn't care what I think, he can't stand the thought that others won't like him. He will try to please complete strangers but I count for nothing. If you look up burned out while burning up, you'll find my picture. I'm beyond emotionally exhausted. I don't care about anything. I'm not look for pity. I was told exactly what I would become. I thought I was to strong for that. Turns out I was wrong. People use the word to much. Most people don't truly know what it is. You have to actually experience one before you understand. Lots of people are egotistical, arrogant, controlling but they aren't narcissist.

@annak29

9 ай бұрын

So sorry for your experience. It's excruciating to be in and to survive it after. I hope that you can rebuild and grow your life in the true person you are. I really think that narcissism is a personality that raises out of "high functioning" autism. They are really stuck in a very narrow band of limited emotional and social experience bc they don't have a fully functioning brain or concept of "other person", which is why they don't achieve healthy separation from "mother", hence codependent toddler personality.

"What have I learned so far that makes sense?" Great question Dr. C! Made me laugh out loud too!

Living with a narcissist husband for 21 years I found engaging things to say to him when he would not commit or if he lied....like " my lips will stop flapping when you take responsibility ". The funny game for this competitive seeking man was to tell him "you always have to have the last word don't you" then he would reply and I would turn again to this issue by saying "see always have to have the last word" which then he was so compelled to respond and again I'd say "there it is"... the challenge was to play with him and tantalize his nature, but like a good opponent not to the point of rage. They are such predictable people.

@beadingbelle3486

9 ай бұрын

My violent narc father would cough so he could be the one to make the last noise - not a word, but a cough - if someone coughed after he did, he would cough again but softer. It was hilarious to watch him be so child-like. I grew up to realise that, dispite all his bullying & violence, he was just a frightened cowardly child underneath who never devloped enough to be an adult. He's still alive at 98, still controlling as ever, with everyone around him pandering to him (poor unsuspecting fools) & still womanising - he has a lady friend with whom i think he may have met his own narcissist - she may yet take him for every penny!

@jet4415

8 ай бұрын

@@beadingbelle3486 The narcissists seem to live forever! They’ve killed their spouse from mental abuse long ago and the move on to others. They don’t have anxiety or any cortisol in their bloodstream as they have no shame and are always blameless. They can live to abuse for a long time. It’s amazing.

@beadingbelle3486

8 ай бұрын

@@jet4415 Interesting re the cortisol - i think i have too much.

I just turned 51 and I was in my forties by the time I realized I could cut ties with my mother and I blocked her; but she continued to send me cards. Gifts mean nothing to me (not with her anyway) ; it's not my primary love language anyway, words of affirmation is; which never happened and will never happen from her. Her side of the family believed as long as my monetary needs were met that's all that mattered, not emotional. That set me up for my other bad relationships and other things as well. My mother recently sent me a birthday card with a tiny note with a fake apology. I'm sorry, if... it's the same as I'm sorry, but... absolutely no accountability. I finally learned not to read her birthday cards or anything like it; because of what it does to me. She's just one of the narcs. My daughter was trying to get her to make things right with me, which is never going to happen

@denicehaley9902

9 ай бұрын

Please share more of how you gray rock your mother. I just was diagnosed with C-PTSD. I thought it’s because of my narc dad and husband, but as my therapist is pointing out, my mom is an absentee mom, at best, or a complete covert narc at worst. Like your mom, mine has never loved me for me-accepting my love language, etc. Instead, I’ve been the scapegoat for her sin & shame. She’s even sabotaged me as a parent to my 3 (now adult) daughters. Grievous! I appreciate any insights you have in helping me navigate this treacherous, grievous road. 🙏🙏

@GinaG7777

9 ай бұрын

@@denicehaley9902 I don't Grayrock my mother. I have gone no contact with her. I have c-ptsd as well and it's rooted in my childhood

Haha like his quote ' I don't want to have to deal with an underdeveloped whiner . I'm on team healthy.' He'll yeah!!

His pattern is to leave me in the dirt EVEN when we’re together so Now, with the in-home separation, I no longer go. And he’ll be ministering again tomorrow 🤮

I finally got it. Not reacting anymore and give calm adult knowledge. Took me years. Thanks!!

@SurvivingNarcissism

9 ай бұрын

Way to go!!

I grew up with one. Many times I've wondered throughout the years if I was one myself. It is one of my worst nightmares to be trapped in something like that and not be able to get out. Balancing a relation and social situations to not take more floor space than one should, that was a hard thing for me. I had to relearn how to understand it intuitively. I usually defaulted to putting myself under the other people in the situation/relation. Often giving in and yielding when I shouldn't. It would frustrate me that I did that also, which created its own sets of problems in my life and relation to mrs and kids. I learnt by taking starting to take risks. Then observe if I went too far towards taking too much floor space. I'd back off then. I observed other people's interactions that looked healthy. And slowly I started to learn how to balance it myself. My own thoughts during the process would often be towards one or the other extreme, while I learned to moderate it towards center so to speak (what came out of my mouth), because I didn't want to be that person that was at the extremes. I wasn't really that person either. I just didn't know how to be at a healthy and steady center position without being too insecure. That's years ago now. And now my default is to ALWAYS take up enough space to come across as a secure individual, and the way I counter the urge to go to the extreme of taking too much room, is to always be aware that I have two ears and one mouth, and in my mind the interaction/situation/relation/social situation is always mostly about the other persons and not too much about me. It was kinda a fake it till u make it thing. After a lot of practice and working consciously on that attitude, it became an automated process, and for years it's been the new me. It seems to work. However, I get an allergic reaction every time I have to deal with narcissists. And I've been in situations where I had to work with people that have those traits, and I simply can't do it. I jump ship, coz I'm not wanting to go back there at all - I don't need to - there are other and better things to spend my time on, right... It's not that I fear them, or let them run over me like before. I just make it clear that I know what they are trying to do, and that I'm simply NOT playing that game. Have a nice day. The fact that we all have tendencies towards the extremes as I call it now and then, but the ability to observe ourselves and be curious about our reactions - that is encouraging. It helps clearly define the border between being a survivor of narcissistic behavior and being one. And that is a VERY useful border to know what looks like for the survivors because many times it feels like there really is no difference between being a survivor of it or being a narcissist yourself. Thanks.

@samantharuebel8932

8 ай бұрын

Thank you for that. What you said makes perfect sense, I am still working through some of my own behaviors that have made me fear that I have acted as a narcissist would. 23 years with someone that fits the description of a covert narc had me responding in extreme and unhealthy ways. Mostly the high defensiveness and screaming to be "heard". It's taken a lot of reassurance from trusted friends to accept that my reactions to the abuse did not make me the narc. I find myself constantly trying to balance all sides of nearly every interaction so that I'm not deminishing myself but also not putting myself above others. It's a crazy juggling act but it's getting easier with practice. Anyway, I just wanted to say I appreciate the way you explained your experience because it made sense to me and I was glad to know someone else had been through the same mindset and was able to grow and learn. Hope is a powerful thing.

In reference to my (NOW-EX!) home care clients: "ALL of the above". Geez. I let my office know 2 days ago they can start finding me a new case. I'm hoping and praying they get me somebody sane this time.

I don't think that it's only narcissists who are socially clueless. Some are just clueless or haven't learned, but they do not want to hurt you or control you. I think these people can learn if you nudge them, little by little.

I had a strange ah ha moment. When you were talking about making mistakes and learning from our mistakes I realized my sister in law has never talked about a moment she took a misstep, or learned a lesson from a mistake, after knowing her 14 years that’s unique.

I see that you have met my mother

@caroleminke6116

9 ай бұрын

Amazing how similar they act… like two year olds!

I am 66 and have not spoken to my narcissist for 3 years. He had quite a damaging effect on me and so I still need to keep coming to these talks. They are so helpful and reassuring. They take me from insanity to peace and calm. I had coffee with a neighbour and she told me more about the narcissist. He has shouted at numerous people and even had a fist fight! It did not surprise me but did shock me. My god he NEVER changes and as he gets worse. When he thinks he’s right god help the world. Even people who are really nice he yells at. He has started yelling at children and this is what concerns me.I just get on with enjoying my life, and let him get on with more important things. Thanks for being there.Judy from uk

“They choose not to learn and not to introspect.” How sad but true.

As I listen I think.. how many will agree with you as they point fingers at others for not getting with their program. Nobody wants to admit that they could be a big part of the problem.

Your videos are very helpful. I’m recommending them to my young adult daughter. “I’m on team healthy”, I love that! I learned about boundaries with my daughter’s Dad about 1 year into our relationship. When she was about 2 months old I filed for custody even though I expected to have shared custody. Well, that turned into the biggest 12 year battle of my life. The judge kept letting the narcissist dad chip away at the court’s original decision. Dad found all kinds of imagined scenarios to try to prove to the judge that my shared custody should be taken. Super scary, I had to fight like hell. There was no compromise with a mediator because there was no objectivity on his part. Thank god she is now an adult and can make her own choices. I do feel her pain when she talks about things he says and does to her. She keeps him at arms length and she wishes she had a “normal” dad.😢