A lot more Family & Relationship Tip videos in this playlist here: kzread.info/dash/bejne/oquV17OHj5a9ec4.html Feel free to scan around to see if there are any additional videos that you may find helpful!

@meyou1819

Жыл бұрын

Pp00000p] OP

I would add any version of “that’s not how you feel” to this list. It could come in the form of “you aren’t really hurt” or “you just want to…(insert some malicious intent here)”. Instantly shuts down communication. Thank you for putting this stuff out, Kati, I have found your videos helpful for awhile now.

@kelliebach5240

Жыл бұрын

❤ I noticed the person that would say this to me would say it because they would say that they were hurt to manipulate others and so they were just projecting this behavior on to me. I have found pretty much whenever I am accused of anything the accuser is the one actually doing it!

@PetterssonRobin

Жыл бұрын

I realized that my ex would fake feeling this and that to win arguments. It's a really toxic trait that ruins trust and frustrates you to no end. He used to create fake problems and complain about fake feelings that would always end with me making concessions on my privacy and gave him more access and control over me. It's a manipulation strategy.

@evasccl7846

Жыл бұрын

The old time "you are too sensitive" is a scape from accountability... it really transforms me into Spiderwoman!!!

@Bat_Boy

8 ай бұрын

#13,237 NEVER call them a name. It’s reductive, meaningless, and is designed to enrage a person. “You’re a jerk!” Okay, but what is the bad behavior that makes a person a jerk? Unknown. So dumb.

7 things to never to say to your loved ones 7. "You always do that" 6. comment negatively about their appearance 5. Never talk about breaking up or divorce 4. to say nothing at all 3. we should not go through a "laundry list" 2. "i don't care" 1. "I wish i never met you"

@anahallstrom7843

Жыл бұрын

8/ I wish you died in combat during desert storm or Afghanistan..I know and I said it after I found that my USMC boyfriend had cheated on me!

This was possibly the most helpful tutorial I have ever seen on how to be human successfully. Thank you.

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

I am so glad you enjoyed it!! xoxo

@jillrouton4097

Жыл бұрын

I agree!

@lorireed8046

Жыл бұрын

Wrong... Having to watch your words, play a damned game and believe that anyone in the mental health field is your friend while tearing apart EVERY relationship you've ever had... Next thing you know your parents were narcs, your siblings are all sociopath and even your co workers are out to destroy you. You become alone and going to "therapy" for decades and on not one but, 3 damned mind altering pills plus alone in the world. THEY are your only true "friends" and everyone you've dealt with is evil. Therapist are EVIL.

I just had hernia surgery last week and something occurred to me that I never thought of until having my first big surgery. I was under sedation for 8 hours. I realized something that I'm not sure if people talk about enough. We always hear about drug addicts nearly dying from O.D. and we think to ourselves about how crazy that is and who would want to die taking fentanyl or whatever. I'll be completely honest if I hadn't woken up from that surgery that it would have been the most welcoming death a person could experience. It's painless, it's fast, you drop all of your baggage at the gate and it's potentially lights out forever. The feeling after I woke up was like time had come to a complete standstill while I was out, no thought, no feeling, no stress, just nothing. It's a little strange for me to be thinking about this but it was an interesting experience.

@einarrgrettirsson8004

Жыл бұрын

I'm a type I Diabetic. One night, about 8 years ago, after having finished a relatively heavy job, I injected insulin and had a drink. I was conversing with my mother, and as I did so, I lost track of time (I had to check my blood glucose level after about 2 hours. Whatever we were talking about must have been intriguing). I lost consciousness for as long as it took the ambulance to get to my house. The experience was like a dreamless sleep from which one can possibly never wake: darkness, silence, nothingness. Non-existence. It was like a void of tranquility. It was the best experience I have ever had, and it also taught me something invaluable: don't fear the reaper. Everything will be fine. If, perchance, death does not come swiftly, the pain will not last long.

Even when you said "I wish I never met you"...I'm in a dr. Waiting room and almost Burts into tears when you said that. I hate that that has been said to me and I hate that I have said that as well

@kat-75

Жыл бұрын

I have said that & if I did, I absolutely meant it. There are many abusers in my history I wish I'd never met and there are people there like online that I wish I never chatted to. ✌

One of the worst and hurtful things we would ever say: "I wish I'd never met you".

@sammeme7452

Жыл бұрын

My question to you is did you really mean it...the thought is there so the idea is there.

@seriouscat2231

Жыл бұрын

"I wish I'd never had you" is something that mothers tend to say.

@derda1304

Жыл бұрын

@@seriouscat2231 millenials are like "Me too"

@amethystdream8251

4 ай бұрын

I think it's okay in situations where there has been serious betrayal and abuse, when you need to have no love for the person in order to protect yourself, and when all of society participates in suppressing the truth of the abuse. If the line is just carelessly thrown around to someone then I'd say that's not okay.

@kenrickbautista6141

4 ай бұрын

@@amethystdream8251 oh, okay.

Not that fake apology shit. Couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you.

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

Right?!?! It's the worst!! xoxo

@numinous2506

Жыл бұрын

@@Katimorton It's belittling. Thank you for making these videos. I have ASD and I need coaching like this.

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. After 30 years of marriage, raising one high functioning autistic trans child (now 17), the stress and tension has eroded these methods of communication in our marriage. There has been a lot of difficulty over the past 30 years-I suffered through a long period of untreated major depression, followed by a year of anorexia, and finally was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. My incredible therapist has helped me through these hard times, and now I have a very effective combination of medications (Wellbutrin, Lamictal) that makes my psychological issues manageable. In the process of learning about autism, I realized that my husband is also a high functioning autistic individual, which explained so much about our difficulties communicating/understanding each other. It’s possible to find books about what to expect if your partner is autistic, but I wish there were also books for the autistic partner explaining what to expect if your partner is neurotypical. Anyways, thanks so much! 🦋

Thanks for the tips, Kati. Even when we're angry with our partners, it's best not to say anything that we don't mean, and that we can't take back. Communication and honesty are vital for every relationship.

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

Yes!! Agreed :) And so glad the video was helpful :) xoxo

Hearing this actually makes me kinda glad that I am not in a serious relationship with anyone. It's way less work, and I don't have to to worry about saying the wrong thing. If there's too much friction, then that relationship isn't worth it. Relationships, I feel like, should be organic--naturally developing and growing, and if that doesn't happen, then maybe it's not a relationship worth being in.

@deandownsouth

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, but when you find someone and you really do love each other, it's so good, there is nothing like it. Worth the risk. Been married for 39 years and it's just an amazing deal. When two people are looking out for the other's interest it works so much better.

@honigdachs.

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, this stuff is dumb. Relationships are not complicated, they're not tricky, they don't require any kind of bullshit bingo, diplomacy or grand compromises. If people can't make things go really easy and smooth and simply welcoming and accepting, they got work to do. On themselves.

I have a word I say in my head to calm my anxieties and it works most of the time. My word is, “divorce”, it helps me think about escaping from my relationship issues. It’s probably not healthy also I am surprised we stayed married so it fits.

My child's mother fooled me into thinking she really wanted me as a husband. She only wanted a kid, and immediately disposed of me, tried to brainwash the kid to hate me. How do I tell my child about this kinda thing? My child and I get along great, love each other dearly, we just aren't happy.

"You're not as good as my previous partner." I encountered the workplace version of this when a former boss told his secretary she wasn't as good at her job as his previous one.

Excellent video! I have always been one to believe that having basic empathy and humility to one's partner is essential to a long lasting relationship and watching this just reassured me of it.

I went to my husband to discuss an issue in our marriage, and he told me, "It sounds like a personal problem to me". I explained that since we were married, if I had a problem that meant WE had a problem. He never understood that. I had to end up divorcing him.

My ex and I said/did a lot of these things. I been doing some shadow work and going to therapy for the first time. Your videos Kati are some of my favorite too. This really was an eye opener. I had admitted and taken accountability. One of the things I always said/did that also harmed the relationship was saying, “You don’t care about me/ you don’t love me.” Learning to love myself and heal myself has been hard but so worth it. Thank you for your videos, they are so helpful and wonderful tools in my journey to being a better person for myself. Much love Kati!!!❤❤❤🥺

I'm constantly working on becoming a better partner than what I've been in previous relationships. So thank you for this.

Great tips. It's a lifelong--and daily-- commitment to communicating love to those around us. Some people just have a difficult time articulating themselves and I think it's particularly a challenge for those of us who can verbally communicate well to understand this. With this in mind, I think hugs and even a kind hand on the back or shoulder can mean alot to a loved one. 💞

@derda1304

Жыл бұрын

there was once a situation, one of my darkest most loneliest times, i went to a concert and a distant "friend" (more like acquaintance) just hung around for some time next to me. it meant the world to me. even the tiniest acts of kindness can be life-changing events

Wow so good. Have conversation starters not fight starters.

I've tried telling this to my dad before: doing something for someone else that you strongly dislike doing *doesn't* make you a saint. Unfortunately he's too narcissistic to get that :/

I was like "but what if i need a few minutes to process things, and can't talk in the meantime because it takes up all my processing power?" Then you said 'come back at a later time', and that made me feel more calm instantly because that's a necessity for me. Even if it takes a bit.

Thank you. I'm guilty of some of these. I'm sorry that I've done it. I appreciate that you are sharing this information. Thanks.

Say thank you, a LOT. Pay attention to the good things and say so.

Thank you for being so real and down-to-earth

Thank you for this video. I appreciate your videos and the healthy reminders to make sure I don't hurt my loved ones.

I come for the advice, I stay for the rolling stones cover songs.

Thank you. #4 is a difficult one

Thank you for this video! Valuable and useful!

I used to say to one of my exes “haha you have a mom haircut” and it’s one of those things that in hindsight I’ve come to regret. Because I never flatly told them as well “hey I actually find your hair very cute, I’m just pulling your leg.” I think the biggest problem is fear of communicating. Or the presumption that certain things don’t need to be said; or it’s way too awkward to talk about this so let’s just move along with it. Communication is hot. It’s hard to hit the right conversation points but it really is essential. It’s so cliche/cheesy but communication is so unstoppably strong

Honestly this would really not just apply to romance. Even close friendships can be greatly affected by these same things.

Thanks, Kati!

Thankyou, Kati Morton.

This was very helpful thank you so much. I would love more relationship do's and don'ts video's. So helpful 🙂

#7 finding better ways to communicate something you want or need instead of using the typical "fight starters." Thats a big one for me.

Kati Morton this video is very important and interesting and helpful can understand and relate to a lot of these things plus kinda upsetting and a bit triggering 😥❤️

Very helpful points, thank you, Kati! I struggled a little with quick edits moving from one point to the next as it's heavy stuff to hear and process, so slower transitions may help, I think, maybe experiment and see - thanks! I really appreciate your posts and feel a warm connection with you.

You touched on the the excitement back in the beginning of a relationship. I don’t seem to remember that excitement and I don’t see any excitement these days which makes being married seem like be distant room mates. I am afraid so it seems like fear guides my responses to conversations rather than joy of being with each other. This goes for all conversations or interactions.

@PrestoJacobson

Жыл бұрын

So why stay?

@garyzornow9084

Жыл бұрын

@@PrestoJacobson married, for better or worse!

This is great, I freeze up at times, I don't know if is deliberate or just part of my anxiety. It would be cool to do something like this about how to 'fight' effectively without damaging the relationship.

i learnt alot , fascinating Kati

An important one would also be anything related to threating to harm themselves if they don’t get something. Like “I really wanna kms when you do that”, “It will be your fault if I kms because of this” or “because of that argument yesterday I self-harmed, is that what you wanted to achieve?” I know that that is kinda obvious, but I know a little too many people who do this to not comment it.

@katiewolfsherz3399

Жыл бұрын

Interesting question. I don't know an answer.

@RobRaptor49

Жыл бұрын

So, important question here - why the self harm? If it's a manipulative statement it obviously should not be said. But what if the SH is a coping mechanism and the person is simply sharing they did it b/c the stress of the argument? Katie - advice please? For myself, I used to restrict when stressful arguments happened. It was a coping mechanism. My partner assumed I was trying to hurt them emotionally. What can someone in that kind of situation do?

I love the 'since I have met you, I {add negative statement}'. And when I used to react defensive, I shouldn't have felt assaulted.

I could apply that horrible statement of 'I wish I'd never met you' to another relationship of father to son, 'I wish you'd never been born'!

Thank you ❤

The proper subtitles are highly appreciated. Thank you!

Ah shiet... My partner when upset about the stress in our life, tells me that "i am ALWAYS sad" or that i have been "sad for last couple of months".. This makes me so so sooo angry because i have not, but it seems like it when we think back because we don't remember the days that where "fine or normal".. I have stopped using these ultimatums but its hard not getting upset when they are used "against" myself.. My mom does it too btw. We have stopped completely with the "should we end this relationship" as we learned it was super toxic and we had it from former bad relationships. +1 We did do the "laundry list" once but we quickly stopped as it was so horrible and felt bad even for the person starting it.. I'm glad to see its only one minor thing we need to change, i hope it comes with conversation and understanding, we have come a long way, as be both came from toxic family structures, friendships and relationships, we had a ton of baggage, but somehow we have managed to clear a lot of our toxic traits out during our soon 6 years of relationship! If you love someone, work on it, be open to change and want to change with your partner to something even more beautiful

And remember if someone keeps saying these things even though they know they hurt you. Repeatedly. That is emotional abuse.

With domestic violence running rampant this video is extremely necessary. Thank you!❤️

#4 if they scream and curse and lie when you try to return, are you permitted to leave the conversation until they can show it is safe to talk? even if it takes years? I kinda hate the implication that a loved one is allowed to abuse you because you must repair, when sometimes you are just trying to endure until you can find safety.

When someone puts an issue on the backburner or stops a fight to back out for a bit, I really struggle with self regulation, it feels like they're not willing to address problems and are hoping they'll just go away. With apologizing, how do I apologize for someone misinterpreting something I say and flying into a rage about it? I'm left with "you just said that! how dare you?" "no that's not what I meant" looping over and over with little chance to explain.

Howdy hi hi I would like to add, that arguments are never about winning or losing. They are about being heard, about knowing that they understand what we are feeling. I remember once, my sister was having a bit of a tantrum, and was speaking loudly on the verge of yelling about the position of the toilet seat. When she got to me, she said something that I don't quite remember concerning this. I remember very calmly saying "I'm angry. About what you just said. But I don't understand why. Could you give me an hour or two to think about this?" I don't think she could have looked more shocked if I'd have slapped her hard across the face. She said okay, and left the room. When we did take it back up, I told her that if she wanted to have this as a consideration. Then I was more than happy to do so. I'm living here because of my illnesses, so anything I can do that can help is something I am more than happy to do. However, every other person in this house has to take personal responsibility for themselves in there. And look prior to plopping their butts down. So if you want to treat this as some kind of violation of your rights or something. Then you and I can go round and round on this. Which way would you prefer this to go? She chose the first option, and despite this having had occurred several times. We never had this issue again. Regardless of what position anyone found it. So also taking the time to understand why we are upset at someone. Can also make a big difference in how things work out.

Hi Katie this is one 💗 of your Best yet..

8:39 is a good start but not enough. Simply saying "I'm sorry," doesn't communicate: - that you acknowledge the exact wrong you did - that you take it back - that you understand how out of line it was - that you realize how hurtful/disrespectful it was - that you will never let that happen again moving forward - that you will truly own up to it and make up for it Needs to be a proper apology done otherwise feelings of distrust and skepticism will still linger. Ask me how I know. I still never got a proper apology from those who've hurt me.

What is in important, how to recover from saying those things? ............ Needed to listen to the end. Thanks!

We broken all the 7 rules. It's pretty bad, but I can only control my side. What I learn, marriage is not easy, I just have to keep working on myself to best prepare for anything.

I hate to say it but the last one was the one that heart me and it was very early on in our marriage

When the wife constantly blames the husband for everything and the husband is over apologizing leaving to make the husband to feel like they have to walk on egg shells. It also leaves the husband feeling like they can do nothing right or even make the wife a little bit happy. The husband then uses laughter to hide the hurt and stuff it deep inside leaving him feel unloved and unwanted. I have a masters in psychology professional counseling. I have seen this happen in my own family. It is sad to see.

thankyouuuuuuuu i love you so much kati!:)

Wise advice that could save some 💔

I've learnt from therapy that Number 7, 6, and 3 (from a negative comparison point,) also works when it comes to you. Self love is important too.

I have the ultimate "relationship" with my dog & I never have these issues. Shalom

Beautiful Katie 😍

"I wish I had never met you." "I'm afraid this is no option at this point in time. What can be arranged for though, is that we never have to meet again. This is my house, there's the door. Out!"

Love this video. I definitely avoid these, but sometimes it feels harder to converse in my relationship. We both have ASD , and both very different in our attachments, but have also put in the work for ourselves and one another to help learn. Would you ever do a video on ASD and relationships especially for adults with ASD?

Another great video. Thank you for all the information. A piece of advice, since you're presenting intelligent professional knowledge, perhaps not use profane language. And my contribution to this video, I actually ask "what am I doing wrong" or "what can I work on"?

Please make a vedio on more tips on beinge eating ,severe ocd ,severe depression

"You've always done that sort of thing and you always will."

Unfortunately many people believe that doing the exact opposite of what you just explained is empowerment and independence.

Stonewalling and avoidance are things I typically due because of fear.

Good job Kati, you have made a living off this.

I had a boyfriend who threatened to break up with me whenever I made the smallest complaint or suggestion. I wasn't allowed a voice. My housemates suggested that I should give him a taste of his own medicine.

LOVE ME SOME KATI MORTON

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

Aww xoxo

@hazzaplayz808

Жыл бұрын

Same here shes brilliant

Hi Kati, do you have any videos about massage therapy and the unexpected somatic experience that can sometimes happen when trauma is stored in the body? And also about long time pain in trauma survivors?

I have to work on just about everything you talk about in all of your videos! I don’t know how or where to start 😢

#5 always hurts. It destroys trust, destroys your partner's feeling of security. It can be very traumatic. Yes, maybe it will win you arguments -- because your partner is always afraid that if they push too hard for their own needs that you will drop the hammer down on them. If you keep on doing it, they will be the ones to eventually leave.

You know what's cool and kinda sad at the same time? I naturally already know not to do any of these things because they're already hardwired into who i am as a person, but yet- i've never been in a relationship before.

I had a visceral reaction to a lot of these. I've only said "always" and "I don't care," and even those were not often and mainly in self-defense, but it seems everyone I've dated has relied liberally on most/all of those. Sigh. I'm working on who I choose to date in therapy lol.

Love this vid. My former ex said to me a couple of times she wished she married my bro instead.

What if they won't let you leave to calm down and your brain turns into mush and then you can't stop saying hurtful things just to get them to leave you alone

My mother says all these things 😢

My ex gf often used #7 all or nothing language. She would project her insecurities (shame) on me, and it was exhausting to deal with. I had to constantly explain myself because it was like walking on eggshells around her. Even if I asked her in the most diplomatic way to do/not do something in future, she'd instantly get defensive without question. She was heavily enmeshed and codependent with her mother which made her hyper sensitive to shame real or projected. Glad I'm out of that relationship.

I tried the whole "I feel resentment" towards her because of paying for everything (because I literally payed for everything). So, I quit my job, so I can stay at home while she went out to work 60+ hrs work weeks. Well, needless to say, we're going through a divorce now.

these things are so hurtful... i would never forgive myself for doing one of those to a loved one.... (if i would do one of those *cough*stonewalling*cough*, they wouldn't be a loved one anymore) but why do i think i would have to endure such things, that its okay for everyone to act that way but not for me? yaaa.... abandonment issues... i know but why are most people in this world acting that way?

...But if you try sometime you'll find You get what you need! Good taste in music :)

You were great💕on Trash Tuesday Podcast 🙂✌️

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

Oh thank you!

My mom will literally run away from the conversation/confrontation the moment we begin to have a misunderstanding. like she’ll seriously take up a light jog to escape me for asking something as simple as “what do you mean”. why does she run? she says communicating with me is too hard 😶

Well done from Pakistan

Funny that, after this video; the next video recommended to me is a music video by My Chemical Romance called "I don't love you" .

My husband threatened to divorce me last year (2 weeks before my birthday 🙄). We are still together but it definitely damaged my trust and I no longer feel as secure in our marriage. I worry I will somehow do something to make him leave.

Oh man, this reminds me how my brother was really nasty when I was like 13 or 14 and constantly said something to the effect of "you have a nice body, but your face is messed up". He says similar stuff in the heat of arguments now. I genuinely don't trust him at all. Doesn't matter how long into the future, or how recent the last one is.

I would like to disagree with #4. But first, yes, doing this purposefully to someone is a no no, we can all agree on that. Now, for this point, it needs to be said that stonewalling can also be a coping mechanism. I know this because I’ve struggled with this. And for all of you that want to just attack me and call me toxic, keep in mind I don’t do this on purpose. It’s subconscious. It’s a coping mechanism of mine that I picked up from childhood trauma. My brain would view something as a “threat” and go into “fight, flight, freeze” response. I would start shutting down mentally, desperate to get out of the situation. I have come a long way in resolving my past trauma and this CM though. Just food for thought.

Ive been married twice before and my experiences tell me that females dont really like males helping around the house or kitchen..they just like to complain about it ..because when I did and do ..then they complain about that too ...a male is not going to do things quite the way that a female does...so if it isnt done the way she would do it she complains about that too , instead of saying THANK YOU HONEY!!!!!!!!

Most was great points and tips but this one I didn't find helpful: "If you think you're always the one unloading the dishwasher, how about you ask them to do it next time" and then shrugs like it's a simple thing. It's disregarding to the problems that can be connected to these things. The thing is that when you have that problem you have already done that many times. And waited, for hours and days. Possibly weeks and months. In order to just have to do it yourself anyways. And then this pattern keeps developing and it's hard to break a habit where one is used to things not being their responsability and the other one is used to having to do things themselves in order for the enviroment in their home being fairly clean and healthy. And you quickly become "the nagging one" which is a disrespect that also costs emotionally. It's a challenge to not get resentful when you feel like you're the one who has to use up much of your energy on keeping the home straight. It makes it harder to finish work, do new things/challenge yourself, it's harder to take care of yourself, etc. It's very rarely that easy that you can just ask you partner to do it and then these things will solve themselves. I have respect for women (and men) who are having this issue, and wouldn't disregard them like this. I only have a milder level of this issue myself. Although you do bring up a more nuanced approach afterwards about people needing to communiatce and share chores. People are usually talking about it though. Which is part of creating the common problematic setup I mentioned. Talking about it isn't always solving it.

If in a relationship, soul in the body is staying alone, then time to break! Misunderstanding is very normal when two individuals are trying to handle human nature together. I would love to ask you make one subject as a information about half of the body. I mean there is some information who should be by blood type, by body size, psychotype or vector psychology. Thank you

Unfortunately I don’t want to talk about it so I don’t care. I don’t say it but I am thinking it which is almost as bad because I feel like I am lying by continuing to listen and seem interested when I don’t care. This is tough.

It’s funny how this came out after my relationship ended because I said a few of these things. I guess it really just wasn’t meant to be.

On the how they look one, what do you do when the ask something like, "We're having a coffee morning at work and it's dress down does this look ok?" When it really doesn't?

This seems pretty centred around romantic relationships which for people like me, it isn’t overly helpful. Loved ones implies friends as well. Maybe it’d be better to use the word partner in the title instead. This is probably good advice for some but for people like me who value solitude and don’t need a romantic relationship, it’s not the most helpful. Platonic relationships have a very different structure to romantic relationships from what I’ve seen. Although I guess it is a golden rule to not insult peoples appearances.

Early 😌💚

@Katimorton

Жыл бұрын

woot woot!! xoxo

@gouachepottwo7537

Жыл бұрын

@@Katimorton thank you, you help alot 😊

Hey my great friend